This is not the kind of blog I like to write.
Actually, it’s the kind of blog I’ll write and then never post.
I don’t love admitting where I struggle or fall short. It’s hard to share with the people around me and I sure as heck don’t want to share it with my peeps back home. I’m living this crazy life that I adore but I run the risk of coming off as complaining.
It’s also current. It’s not something I’ve figured out or come through. It’s very much, right now, where I’m at, and where I’m at is not my favorite.
That’s pretty vulnerable.
The last few days have been pretty rough for me.
I feel spiritually attacked in everything from being a good enough squad leader/teammate/friend, to questioning future plans to now physical pain.
All in all, I’m struggling. And it’s in the midst of super awesome things. Which is can be pretty confusing.
Three days ago I went on an adventure with a group of squadmates to a huge waterpark with inflatables and wakeboarding. It was an action packed day and I’m really grateful I got to go but within that one of my teammates got a back fracture and had to go to the hospital. Kinda puts a damper on things, but ever since that day I’ve been internally struggling with how I handled leadership that day.
The thought that I should’ve been the one to go to the hospital.
The thought that I’m a bad leader because I chose to let someone go in my place.
The thought that I was selfish in deciding to stay back.
The reality is that my injured teammate chose our teammate who is a nurse to go with her and that totally makes sense. But all those thoughts are still really real.
The next day I chose another adventure because I’d missed out on the adventures the previous weekend.
And it was genuinely one of my favorite days. Ever.
We ATV’d through the jungles/mountains of Thailand
Casually passing elephants ever so often
then had one of the funniest/craziest rafting experiences I’ve ever had, and then got to hang out at and slide down a waterfall.
Wow, seriously, what a blessing!
But immediately upon returning I felt guilty. Guilty for taking two adventure days and not choosing rest. Guilty because I’d been out of contact all day and wasn’t aware of how my teammate was recovering that day in the hospital.
How? After this really awesome day, when all I should be feeling is joy and gratitude for the opportunity, am I hit with guilt?
I went to bed early thinking that I’d sleep like a rock because of how the last few days had been.
Nope.
I woke up at 2:30 with an ear that felt like it was going to explode off of my head. I proceeded to spend the next 4 hours praying/worshipping/trying to battle this now physical ailment. And even though I was choosing to fight, I felt defeated. I was exhausted. In pain. Beating myself up about the fact that I’d chosen 2 days of water activities and probably now had swimmer’s ear.
I’m still in that place to some degree. I’m still struggling. I’m still battling the lies.
I can also still see the blessings, the good, the privileged life that I’m living.
Because again, that’s the reality. I know I’m living this life that others dream of. I know I’m exactly where the Lord has called me to be. I know I’m learning lessons that he has for me. I know that I’ll look back at this time and miss it one day!
The reality is also that it’s hard sometimes. This is real life and that’s not always easy no matter the circumstances. As I sit here writing, unable to hear out of one ear, frustrated that I’ve needed to rest today, I’m annoyed.
I’m frustrated that I can’t do the things I want to be doing today. I’m over the freaking enemy messing with my squads health and sleep. I’m sick of not feeling that I’m enough when I know the truth that I am enough because He is enough within me.
All that said, I want to make sure I convey the HOPE that I still have. Yes, I’m struggling. Yes, I’m tired. Yes, I don’t feel my best. Yes, I feel broken and inadequate. Yes, I probably need to extend myself some more grace.
But also, God is still good. I am still loved. His grace is always sufficient for me. He is my refuge and strength. All of this is truth no matter how I feel.
I will be fine. Better than fine. I will be good! I am not a victim- I’m victorious because Jesus is victorious. He’s just gonna shine more through the cracks in my humanity!
And I do know that.
Love always.
Ps. Dad, no worries, my friend!
Y’all I’d appreciate a few extra prayers personally and for the squad over the next few days as we prepare and move on to Malaysia!
