The reality is, I’m a mess. The good thing is, I’m not alone in my mess.
Over the last few weeks emotionally, mentally, and physically, I’ve been a “mess”.
Physically. The race does a number on you for sure. Yes. They make sure you are fed. Whether it be straight carbs or a variety of things. You are in charge of working out and keeping your body in shape when and if you can. I, in all honesty, would much rather sleep then wake up two to three hours before breakfast. Long days and good sleep is needed to be able to fully give your all in the kingdom. For a while in Ethiopia I would do Insanity every morning around 5. Then traveling to a new hotter country made me lose interest very quickly along with completely throwing out my back and not being able to walk. Either way, working out or not, body image is something that has been super hard this whole race. Yet another messy part in this whole ordeal.
Mentally. Boy oh boy, does this one get me ever so often. You know the verse that talks about taking every thought captive? Yep, that’s what I’ve been learning. So many thoughts, ideas and images pop into my head constantly throughout the day. The enemy plants the thoughts of unworthiness, not being valued, not being seen, not being loved, or heard, or feeling beautiful. It’s one of the enemies favorite ways to bring me down is getting into my head. Satan’s mind games, though not controlling, get in the way sometimes. The lies from past wounds surface. The hurts from past words crush. The brokenness from past memories flood in. All of it making a mess all jumbled and tumbling around in my mind.
Emotionally. If you know anything about me you know that I cry at just about everything. Over the last few weeks, no joke, pretty much everything ha been making me want to cry. My problem? Instead of allowing myself to cry and express how I feel. Fear of what others think of me creeps in and I go back to bottling it all up again. I would do it all the time and still struggle with vulnerability. Yet being vulnerable is the best way to allow people to love you through those emotions.
So it’s all a big fat mess but it’s a beautiful fat mess. Why? Because I have someone who loves me unconditionally, and is overly patient with me and my flesh. Guys, Jesus is seriously the best person ever and I truly cannot imagine my life without him.
