Since the age of 14, I’ve had this longing to one day travel to Africa. That day has arrived and I still can’t believe I’m actually here in Malawi. It’s everything I expected it to be and nothing I expected it to be at the same time. I knew Africa was going to be difficult but not in the ways I’m currently experiencing. I was expecting extreme heat, having to sleep in my tent all month, eating foods I didn’t like, etc. None of that is reality for me. Instead, there have been a variety of challenges I never expected to experience coming into Africa. Our accommodations are extremely small. Communication with our hosts is a huge challenge. Culture is so very different. I feel sick after every meal because of how much food I’m expected to eat. And to top it all off, Christmas is only days away.
I love Christmas. It’s my favorite time of year. There are no signs of Christmas here in Africa. No Christmas trees. No lights. No Christmas music playing in stores. Definitely no snow. No presents to give family and friends. No cookies to decorate. No snowmen to be made. No Christmas Eve service. No caroling and no watching Elf with my family. I could go on and on but I think you get what I’m trying to say. For the first time in my life, it doesn’t feel like Christmas. It’s as if it doesn’t even exist. The thought of it brings tears to my eyes every single time and as I sit here in this little Malawian cafe, the tears are coming again.
I miss my family, my friends, coworkers and my students so desperately. I knew coming on this journey would be a challenge but I wasn’t expecting it to feel like this. I haven’t felt this homesick yet on the race and to be completely honest, I’m dreading Christmas on Tuesday. The days here are long, ministry is draining, I’m surrounded be people 24/7 and finding the balance between respecting the culture and also taking care of myself is a struggle. Amidst all of this, the Lord continues to work in my heart and reveal more and more things.
For many years now, I’ve felt like there’s this person inside of me waiting to be set free. I can’t exactly put my finger on it but it’s something I think about and wrestle with daily. I look back on my childhood and I see this little girl who was very different than who I am now. I see this blonde haired little girl, living her life not caring what other people think. Talking to anyone she meets, acting goofy all the time and extremely joyful all of the time. I feel as if I’ve lost that little girl. I feel as if she’s locked away inside of me, desperately wanting to come out but not knowing how. I see a girl who longs to be free from the fear of man, dance and sing like no one is watching and have this deep unwavering joy. I don’t know how to set her free. I keep asking the Lord for more. More of Him, more of Holy Spirit, more of His wisdom, more freedom, more confidence, more of His heart for the people around me, more pure intentions, more knowledge of the word, and more of His love. I’m tired of asking for more. I’m tired of not knowing what to do next. I’m tired of not knowing how to fix things. I’m tired of resting. I’m tired of waiting for answers. I’m tired of waiting for change.
This is my cry to the Lord.
“Every day feels like a burden. I don’t know what’s preventing me from being all that I was made to be and do all that I’ve been called to do. I want you to break me and release something new in me. I want you to take me further than I can comprehend. In your eyes I’m everything that I was made to me, so please give me your eyes to see who I truly am. I’m desperate for you and I’m desperate to see you in me. I’m desperate for more of Holy Spirit. I’m desperate to see your creation as you do. This is my cry and my plea from the deepest depths of my heart.”
So as I sit here in this tiny Malawian cafe, I realize that this isn’t a very happy or exciting blog. But this is my heart. This is my reality and I would like to ask for your prayers. I’ve had some incredible experiences here in Africa. But if I’m being completely honest, the challenges have far outweighed those incredible moments. Pray for a renewed strength and that I would be able to seek the Lord out on a daily basis. Pray for understanding and patience. I would be so encouraged by any messages or notes from you all back home. A Christmas video greeting, notes of encouragement, funny stories or scripture. Anything really 
You can send via Facebook Messenger, Instagram or email ([email protected]). I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas and be sure to cherish every moment you have with friends and family. Much love from Mzimba, Malawi!
