It’s been awhile since I’ve made a new post and there are a few reasons for that. In my last blog I talked about the many things that I will miss when I am on the Race. My family, friends, holidays, traditions, birthdays and more. Over the holiday season I was in a place where I honestly wasn’t looking forward to going on the Race and had many doubts about if I was doing the right thing. I didn’t want to talk about the Race and I had no desire to write any posts on what God was doing in my life. Mainly because all I was doing was wallowing in my sadness and doubting his call on my life. That sure was blunt! Haha
As the holiday season has passed and I’ve gotten back into the normal flow of life, I’ve been experiencing a new wave of emotions. It’s taken me awhile to process these emotions which is another reason as to why I haven’t posted an update in awhile. I’ve been thinking a lot about who I will be and what I will be like after coming home from the Race. I know I will be a different person and honestly that completely terrifies me. God is going to work so much in my life during those 11 months I’ll be gone and I have no idea what I’ll be like when I return. My family, friends and coworkers will be expecting to have the same Amber return home as the one who left but that won’t be the case. A new Amber will be coming back. The things I will see, the stories I will hear and the work that God does in my life and in my heart will be tremendous. I will not view my community the same. I will not view my relationships the same. I will not view my job or my church the same and that scares me. What if people don’t like the new Amber that comes back? What if nobody understands this new me and things I’ve experienced and been through? What if people forget me while I’m gone? What if they move on and just not care about me or what God has done in my life? Will what I’m passionate about in life change? Will I like the same things? Will I want the same things? These may seem like completely irrational fears but to me they are all to real.
All I can seem to think about is the unknown about when I will return. I haven’t even left and that’s all I can seem to be thinking about lately. Not only what kind of person I will be and what I’ll be like but things like, where will I live, what will I do for a car, will my job still be waiting for me, how am I going to make money to support myself? And the questions go on and on. It has completely stressed me out and honestly I’ve had a hard time letting all of it go. Ultimately I know that what people think of me or wanting them to like new me isn’t even important and God has been slowly working in my heart to let go of a lot of those fears and doubts.
I’m sure I will write a blog very similar to this when it is actually time for me to come home after the Race. To remind all my family, friends and coworkers that the old Amber is not coming back. I will likely have a greater understanding of who that new Amber is and what she’s all about. It may sound silly but I do look forward to growing with her, meeting her and experiencing this new person.
Please keep me in your prayers as I work through these new emotions, fears and doubts! Pray that I would continue to let go of these fears and let myself get excited for this journey and not be so fearful. I want to be fearless in this life that I’ve been given, but it sure is hard sometimes!
