Sometimes God answers our prayers but not always in the way we thought He would. Since month 2 in Swaziland, I’ve been asking God to break my heart- not once, but twice. Once so that I know it can be broken, and twice for the ministry He is calling me into. For six months, I’ve been waiting. Waiting for Him to hear me, waiting for Him to answer me, waiting to be broken, and hoping that it’s possible.
I went into month 6 in Vietnam wishing it would happen but ultimately giving up on it because so far I had nothing. In India and Nepal, I was surrounded by squad mates and teammates who talked about the heaviness and the burden they felt for the people we met, such as those we saw worshiping other gods: monkeys, dogs, their brothers and millions of others. I walked around seeing the same things that they were seeing, yet I felt nothing. I wanted to feel something. I wanted my heart to be heavy and burdened for these people, but it didn’t. Why am I so different? Why couldn’t my heart be breaking like theirs were? I knew in my head that I should be feeling that burden, that sadness for the millions of people who live around the world who worship these false gods, but my heart wasn’t catching on and it made me mad. I didn’t understand then, and I don’t understand now, but I was starting to lose hope that God would answer my prayers.
Our first Saturday in Vietnam, my team went with some of the staff and one of the students from the school we were working with to visit a tourism site called Ba Na Hills. It’s a French village on top of the mountain in Da Nang. As we walked around taking in the sites, we came to a part of the village that wasn’t French; instead, it was a Buddhist temple with a large Buddha statue taking up the majority of the courtyard. Once again, I saw the people all around worshiping, and still, I felt nothing. Our squad leader, Danny, who was with our team for the month, came over and started talking with me about the day and about what we each thought of it so far. I told him about my desire to feel burdened for something and my frustration with not feeling a burden for those who were there worshiping. About 20 minutes later, as we finished eating lunch, everyone was talking about going on the roller coaster next. As we all got in line I noticed how excited Xay, the student with us, was; he was practically bouncing. Xay had quickly become one of my favorites at the school, always willing to help, always wearing a ready smile, and overall such a nice kid. We had learned our first day at our ministry that he had an amazing God story: at 16 years old Xay, had a major heart problem, but his family didn’t have much money and lived in the mountains, a long way from the nearest hospital. Our host met Xay and his family while she was on a missions trip where he lived. There she learned about his heart problem and the need for surgery (and money for that surgery). She was able to contact a friend in Australia who was able to donate the money to cover Xay’s surgery. When he went in to have the operation, the doctors told him that if he had waited one more month, he would have died. God knew exactly what he needed and when, and He provided for those needs just in the nic of time. His time. Earlier that day, as Xay drove me on his moped to Ba Na Hills, he had told me his story once again, and I remember silently thanking God for second chances and for giving this sweet boy a second chance- a chance to live a full life and a chance to live that life for Him. So, as we stood in line waiting, talking about the day, one of the staff seemed to remember about Xay’s heart and decided that he wasn’t allowed to go on the roller coaster because of it. As she said this, I watched as Xay’s face fell. As he tried to convince her that it would be ok, he mentioned how he drove his moped faster than the roller coaster was going. The debate on whether or not we should stay or go started at that point, and Danny said he would stay with Xay and go if he wanted to, but Xay decided to give up what he wanted for what everyone else wanted. Watching all of this play out, I felt my heart growing heavier and heavier and the need to cry growing stronger. I wanted Xay to be able to participate in what everyone else was doing. I wanted him to have fun and do the things he was excited about. I had gone from thanking God for second chances for this boy to asking him why he would give him this second chance but have him be limited. Finally, it was decided not to do the roller coaster but keep walking around and check out the arcade and game stations inside. I walked behind as everyone went ahead and tried to bring my mood back up, tried to figure out what was going on in my heart. But I couldn’t, so I put on my best happy face and rejoined everyone and tried to have fun. Awhile later, we were faced with the same dilemma again as everyone wanted to do the tower of doom. Xay, Mary, and I stayed behind while everyone else jumped on. While we were waiting, Xay asked what the rock climbing wall behind the tower of doom was, and he looked excited about it as I explained what it was. I could tell he wanted to try it, so before we left, we got Danny to do it with him along with Kevin and J.C, who had both also never done it before. Everyone cheered Xay on as climbed, reaching all the way to the top! Once he got back on the ground, he had the biggest smile on his face, and his eyes were filled with such joy and excitement; he couldn’t stop smiling! It filled my heart with so much joy seeing how happy he was; it felt like my chest might burst out of love for this kid.
I’ve prayed that I would feel burdened for people this year. That I would feel heavy and that my heart would ache for non-believers, for a certain type of ministry. I wanted God to break my heart; for him to answer my prayers. Maybe, just maybe, He answered one of those prayers using Xay. He burdened me. And, as God usually does, He did it in a way that I wasn’t expecting or looking for.
