So I’m coming home soon. 17 days to be exact, and I have no idea what I’m doing with my life. People are constantly asking me what my next step is, where I’ll be going, what I’ll be doing, if I have a job or plan to go back to school and the truth is, I have no earthly idea. Right now all I know is that I’m sitting at a cafe in Nicaragua wondering what my team will be doing for ministry tomorrow.
Thinking about going home and trying to figure out what I want to do with my life, even just in the next couple of months is overwhelming. I’m fixing to end a season in my life that has been crazy, unpredictable, both encouraging and discouraging. I’ve had amazing, mountain top experience kind of days and I’ve had dark valley, stuck in a crevice with no rope kind of days; days I’ve felt as if I were drowning and days I’ve felt like I was flying high above the clouds. I’ve been sick, exhausted, hot, dirty, frustrated, mad, and overwhelmed. I’ve been ecstatic, giddy, goofy, happy, joyful. I’ve learned a gazillion things and I couldn’t begin to tell you a third of them. What I can tell you though is that I’m nervous and unsure.
I don’t know how I will handle going home much less actually being home for an extended amount of time. I’m not sure how I’m going to deal with ending this season of my life, with saying goodbye to my teammates, my sisters. Will I be strong, walk away and push into whatever is next with no fear or will I cry buckets of tears because I’m leaving the amazing women I’ve lived life with every day for the past 11 months? Will I wander around my parents house feeling useless and lost or will I get to work on one thing or another? Will I turn around to tell a story expecting my team to still be right there in the same room, and if so, how will I react when I realize they’re not there? Life is going to be drastically different and I have no idea how I will adjust to it. I’m afraid that once we go home my team will get caught up in everything that’s going on at home and forget about me. I know that isn’t true by any means, but it will be very different and we will be so far away. It’s not going to be the same and I don’t know how I feel about that. I’m afraid that I will be overwhelmed with everything from how big my church is to finding a job to hanging out with friends and trying to catch up. Getting together with people in and of itself will be overwhelming. I’ve been through significant changes and life experiences this year that no one can fully understand unless they’ve been there, but my friends and family have also lived a whole other life while I’ve been gone, a life that I won’t be able to understand either. It’s going to take a lot of work and a lot of grace on both of our parts to get through this transition time. Sometimes I feel like I’m going to go home and be a stranger to everyone I knew before because instead of being a part of their lives for a year, I was absent; I’m going to have to relearn habits, customs, etc. That’s not going to be easy and I wonder where I’m going to fit in with all of it, with everyone. I worry that I won’t be able to read situations, that if someone asks me about my trip I won’t know what to say or how much to say. Do you want the 30 second, 5 minute, 30 min, or 2 hour answer?
You ask me what’s next but I just don’t know. There is so much to think about, to decide and it’s overwhelming. I know I am in Nicaragua for 17 more days. I know that I’m moving in with my parents for an unknown amount of time. I know that while I’m ready to be home I’m not ready for this to end; I’m not ready to leave my sisters. I know I’m excited to stay in one place for more than a month. I know that it’ll be so nice to take a (hot) shower with no fear of giant beetles, spiders or flying bug things attacking me. I know that I’m excited to see my family and friends, but I also know that it scares the living daylights out of me. I know that I’m ready for a semblance of independence again. And…That’s all that I know. Everything else is a mystery.
