When I was in Cambodia my spiritual growth exploded, but it all started from a conversation I had with a few of my teammates during our last week in Thailand.
But lets take it back a little further, so you can understand me a little better, because the revelation I have had is huge. In fact, it has changed everything for me.
Training Camp.
At training camp I realized that I do not receive love from others well. I receive love at an arms length. So yes, I would receive some love, but I wouldn’t let others get super close and love me well. This is because I have a hard time trusting others and I battle self-worth a lot. I realized at training camp that the arm (and walls) need to come down if I am going to grow at all.
But this had a deeper meaning. After spending a lot of time with the Lord, I realized I did the same thing with Him. Yes I know he loves me, because the Bible says it, but my arm extended prevented this knowledge to get to my heart. So, I didn’t really know it, it was just head knowledge. You don’t truly know something until it is in your heart and you live it out. I didn’t know God loved me.
My prayer since the beginning of the Race has been to truly know God and know who I am in Him. These are my only goals. The motto I have recently created for myself is “to know I am a daughter, and act like one.” But it all boils down to love, everything is love because God is. At the end of the day I did not know how much God loved me, so I did not know God.
Until Thailand.
That month I realized my view of God was extremely distorted. Especially the Father aspect of God. For a reason I am still unsure of, my view of the Father was harsh. Wrathful. Extreme. Condemning. Angry. Disappointed. I visualized him with a hand on his hip shaking his finger at me with angry eyes.
I knew this was wrong, but a really hard time finding the truth. I would read what the Bible said and drew conclusions about who He is. I would hear others talk about who He is. But the picture in my head remained the same. I couldn’t shake it.
Pattaya, Thailand is the sex tourism capital of the world. That month we did some prayer walks down Walking Street, which is probably one of the worst red light districts in the world. We had a few days left and AJ really wanted to go walk down the street and pray again. She wanted to take her time and REALLY pray for this place. Since we aren’t aloud to travel alone at night, I told her I would go with her. Which was one of the best decisions that I have ever made.
Also, AJ is a prayer warrior. She is incredible and has taught me so much about prayer. She doesn’t preach it, she lives it, and I have learned from her by her actions. (LOVE YOU AJ!)
We got done with ministry that night around 8, then AJ and I started to head towards the street when Alyssa said she wanted to join. We started walking again, but we wanted to grab dinner before we started, so we went to a McDonalds on the street.
What was going to be a few minutes of eating, turned into 2 hours of Holy Spirit led talk that left me so encouraged and completely changed everything for me.
We talked about so many things. What God was teaching us, what we wanted to grow in, what we needed prayer for, the affectionate names that the Lord calls us, and so many more things. Somewhere in all this, AJ started talking about the ways that God gently rebukes us.
She said the way that God rebukes is so gentle. Even when we mess up time and time again, He still rebukes us gently. It isn’t a harsh and condemning approach. It is more of a “Love, come on, you know better, you know that isn’t the way, please come this way, you don’t need that.” It is a soft, loving, and caring approach. Full of compassion and understanding. A loving approach to get you to take your eyes off of the thing in front of you, and to look at Him. Because He sees all. He sees the whole picture. He has our very best interest at heart and wants what is good for us.
As she was talking about everything that God is, I started to look at her and was thinking to myself, “oh my gosh. She reminds me of someone. What is this? This feels familiar.”
Then BOOM!
In a spilt second I saw the Father sitting in front of me. He wasn’t completely flesh, but I was no longer looking at AJ. She didn’t look like herself anymore. I was looking at the Father. I couldn’t see the face, but I wasn’t even focused on that. The way AJ was talking and all her actions, that is what I was focused on. It challenged everything I thought about the Father, and finally I could see Him as someone loving, caring, and gentle, just like AJ was saying.
The vision only lasted for about 3 seconds, but that was enough. I sat there my fingertips pressed against my temples, shocked and confused.
What the heck just happened.
That was God. Everything that AJ was talking about. That is God. Yes! He isn’t harsh, angry, or even disappointed in me. No…He loves me. I could finally see it.
AJ trailed off and I told her what I just saw and I honestly can’t even remember what she said because I was still in shock. I just remember her eyes widening a little as she said, “really?”
Yah, really. It was the craziest and best thing I ever experienced, and I can’t see God the way I used to. I can only see Him now as someone so gentle, compassionate, loving, and I know that it is never going to change.
Going into Cambodia I was able to spend time with the Father every single day knowing who He is better. This was the starting foundation for the amazing things He taught me throughout the month.
I am so thankful for our talk in the McDonald’s on the worst street in the world. That talk had us all so on fire that we spent the next hour or two praying the crap out of that street.
Literally, imagine every sin you can think of, out in the open and highlighted with pretty neon lights and loud bumping music. You can see how people get sucked in. So, it is really an honor to be able to walk down that street with your friends, see the darkness for what it is, and get to speak life and pray redemption over it.
God is everywhere. Even in the places that it seems like He isn’t. He is there. The Light will overcome any darkness. He is working, and we get to be a part of it. How amazing is that?
love,
-a
