Well, it's official- I'm getting old. I randomly cried twice today-came outta nowhere, or so I thought…
After much prying by one o' my teammates,
…a few comments on "prying"–at this point on the Race, it's more than natural/instinctive… especially once you've been labeled an "internal processor"(never knew I processed before this trip,let alone internally…) After you've lived with people for 24/7 for almost a year, they are hyper sensitive to any slight shift of your moods,feelings,emotions,etc., and can define you better than you can define yourself most times. I've compared this phenomenon of acute awareness to meerkats– like that menacing Animal Planet show that's Real World for those Timon look a like rodents where they dub in voices for the meerkats-the World Race is a giant Meerkat Manor mission trip.
I realized the hormonal old lady emotional-ness is because reality is approaching, and I'm not ready…
( one of three random pictures so you won't get bored)
got to go to Bon Jovi– all I'm sayin' is, he's still got it
… I totally promised myself I wasn't going to write an annoying 11 monther whiny blog that was complaining about how not ready I was, but, happens to the best of us/when in Rome/it's all Greek to me–I also swore I wasn't going to bite my nails anymore after living in squalor the first month… but my nubbins are sore from the suspense of the last Harry Potter movie I got to see today (I'm givin' Voldemort a finger and a thumb in the shape of an 'L' on my forehead, if you know what I mean).
The point of all that, though, is- I know that all year we've been balancing this dichotomy: life at home vs. life on the Race- but as this is our last real week on this thing, I can taste,see,smell,hear and feel the reality of home more than ever… and it's overwhelming.
Maybe this year, among many things, I've caught bipolar disorder, but, seriously, just call me 'two face' because I'm experiencing extremes to the max.
-Extremely excited and completely terrified– excited to see everyone at home, catch up, feel carpet, stare at a dryer, etc…terrified to know that comfortable isn't anymore, that "catching up" will be more than awkward with people I'm closest with, that no one will really get "it." (whatever "it" is anyway)
-Extremely anxious and completely content– anxious to get home to breathe, process, and share…content to hold onto this time here and now-to live forever in this dream-ish community.
-Extremely ready and completely unprepared– ready to be done-it's been a good, but long 11 months- I'm more than haggard( …and I'm lookin' more like Hagrid, really-my last Harry Potter reference, I swear)…unprepared that this thing is ending,that I have to let go, that I'll be back in black at home in a shorter time than it took us to travel to Nepal from India this year.
-Extremely happy and completely sad– happy to have made it this far, happy to have had so many cool experiences with so many cool people, happy to have seen God all over the world….sad to say goodbye, sad to close this chapter of life, sad to transition from what I've adapted to and made "normal."
Welcome to No Man's Land.
What a weird place to be. My teammate said it's like pushing the brake and the gas at the same time(not exactly looking forward to driving again, and neither should anyone on the road with me, since I've forgotten which one is the brake and which one is the gas)
This "two places at once" feeling (I really wish that didn't remind me of the annoyingly sweet Walk to Remember scene with Mandy Moore standing on some state line) got the best of me today, but I'm thankful in so many ways to get to have the feeling. To get to wrestle with this stuff. To get to transition.
Even if it means I have the mood swings of a prego lady, or the high's and low's of an adolescent ridden with teen angst…(times that by five, and you've got my all girls team in a huge glass case of emotion, if you know what I mean, making for an anything but boring last leg of Romania)
