I’m not quite sure where to start this post, so I suppose I will begin with why I chose to share the thoughts and events written below.
As I was typing an email to Alexis a few days ago, I started to share with her a spiritual journey that I have begun to embark on- the process of becoming UNOFFENDABLE… when I finished my paragraph I realised I had only skimmed over the top… and I had only told the end…
According to Trey Hill, “A story is a CHARACTER who WANTS SOMETHING and OVERCOMES CONFLICT to GET IT.”
And “If the point of life is the same as the point of a story… it is character transformation.”
In expressing the results of my story… I realised, for the first time, that there was an entire story to be told. I was giving the end … but completely skipping the transformation.
SO.
Once upon a time… there was a girl who sought adventure… but not just any adventure, adventure with Christ; so she signed up for The World Race.
She did not realise until training camp what all they were going to ask of her… to PUSH INTO her issues in stead of running from them…
AAAAANNNNND I am not going to continue this in third person.
So the story goes…
Upon meeting my squad and my team, I was immediately intimidated… “What if they don’t like me” I thought. “What if they think I’m weird,” … and every time I would do something “What if I’m just embarrassing myself.” So I tended to keep to myself, to keep my opinions to myself, and began to wonder why few were seeking my company. On occasion I would speak up… but never felt heard, would ask questions that were never answered, would speak to people but was looked straight through as if I were a ghost. “It can’t be something wrong with EVERYONE ELSE” I thought… “So the problem must be ME.” I continued on… feeling absolutely and utterly ignored.
A few amazing squad mates began to notice “I saw what happened earlier… I don’t understand why that KEEPS happening to you!”
So I WASN’T crazy! It really WAS happening… but why?
Kelsey sat with me one day when I was struggling and we discussed the topic… “Maybe,” she suggested “There is a spirit of blindness and a spirit of deafness set upon the squad… and we don’t yet know why.”
“WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEEEAAAANNN” I thought
“Yea… maybe…” I said.
So Kelsey began to pray… and as she prayed she said “I don’t know if this means anything to you… but two words keep coming to me… ‘RELEASE’ and ‘FORGIVE'”
IMMEDIATELY my mind rejected… “NO. I CAN’T!…”
“Can’t what?”
“I can’t release… I can’t be myself… IT HURTS.”
You see… I had spent so long holding myself back (not just at camp, but in the last few years of my life), reigning in my personality and my joy (with the exception of select company) for fear of rejection. I had been struggling with this. I wanted to be myself and feel heard; I wanted to free myself and be accepted…
I needed to RELEASE myself from the prison I had put myself in and FORGIVE those who rejected me anyways.
… But I was TERRIFIED.
There was a reason I had put myself there.
There was a reason I built those walls.
because that rejection HURTS.
So I struggled.
But then LAUNCH happened.
At worship with my family, my Nanny prayed over me… she said “Lord… that LIGHT that You have given Amber, that GIFT You have blessed her with, her smile that can light up a room, that presence and joy she puts of when she walks in a door… help her to recognise that light is YOU!”
And that was when I realised… that I wasn’t just holding back ANY part of myself, I was holding back God’s light that was trying to shine through me.
In that moment, that prison wasn’t just opened, it disintegrated.
I was immediately able to feel that fire burning in my soul that I had been missing for SO LONG.
“No one after lighting a lamp puts it under the bushel basket ,
but on the lamp stand, and it gives light to all the house.”
– Matthew 5, 14
I immediately began noticing a difference. Squad members who had looked straight through me before would randomly give me high fives, people who had never talked to me came to pray over me. My voice even began to be heard… because it was no longer just MY voice; I was speaking with the joy and conviction of the Lord. The light that was shaded had been set free to shine.
Then Kelsey’s comment finally made sense. I believe God really did place a spirit of blindness and deafness on my squad… He withheld from me so I would recognise that something was wrong. Because if I hadn’t found myself wanting … I never would have searched for the solution… therefore I never would have looked for a way out of that prison and that light would have stayed hidden under that basket forever.
God works in mysterious ways.
He showed me that I had done the right thing in letting go, that I had found what I was searching for, by giving me those instant results… as small as they may have been in the eyes of others… they moved mountains to me.
I learned, too, to appreciate the people who saw me anyway… because even when I was trying to hide my light… they somehow still saw it… and I believe that is a special gift in itself…
On the dancefloor at the pub in Atlanta … swing dancing with an absolutely adorable drunk old man (which is a story on its own… anyone who knows me well can just fill in the blanks)… I never expected that at the end of our dance he would tear up, kiss me on the cheek and tell me that I had a BEAUTIFUL SOUL… then bless me.
In that moment … he saw my light.
“In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father in heaven.”
-Matthew 5, 16
I am now trying to hold on to that feeling… that FREEDOM I felt on that dance floor… to constantly LIVE in that same sense of joyful abandon… So I can keep showing that same level of love.
CHALLENGE: when something in your heart hurts… when a subject is touchy… don’t run from it and don’t deny it. There is a reason it hurts… because there is a WOUND… and just like any physical wound requires medical attention and care for healing… spiritual wounds must also be nurtured to heal. Push into the hurt, search your soul, find the wound and pray it out <3
9/28/14
PS.
My habit of holding back would prove to be a hard habit to break…
Tune in next time for part 2
