Receiving: Admittedly, this is a concept that I have really struggled with throughout my life. When I am given a gift that I feel like I don’t deserve, I naturally push it away. I often feel unworthy and as if I have to perform well enough to earn whatever is being given to me. Very early in my faith, I discovered that this is completely contradictory to the way God operates. It is true that we are actually not at all deserving of His love and grace, yet He freely gives it to us anyway! There is nothing I can do to earn the gifts God gives me, and He delights in giving them solely because of the fact that I am His daughter, and He loves me. He also delights when I am able to receive the gifts with open arms, without striving.
Most recently, a tangible example of how I have been tested in this area is through managing type 1 diabetes on the World Race. While praying for healing and provision, it has always been easy for me to believe that God is able to heal/provide for other people, but I somehow believe that I’m not worthy of receiving it myself. Early on, it was extremely hard for me to ask for help from my teammates, even if I knew I needed it. My team has been so intentional about contending for me in prayer, sitting with me when things feel difficult, and loving me unconditionally through the highs and lows of the process. My initial instinct was to push them away and try to figure things out myself, but God continued to encourage me to lean into my community and receive the help He is giving me through each of them.
Right before we left Argentina, I found out that the way that I had previously been receiving insulin on the Race was no longer going to work. I felt discouraged and defeated because I had no idea what I was going to do for the next eight months in Africa/Asia. I trusted that God would provide, but from what I could see, there was no way around my current situation. Then, right before we left for Africa, my teammate, Ana, and I went to a random pharmacy in downtown Mendoza. After previously being told in both Peru and Argentina that what I needed would not be found outside the United States, we showed them pictures of the insulin I use on a daily basis. The pharmacist told us she would check in the back, and she returned saying, “You’re so lucky” over and over again and holding boxes of all the insulin I needed in her hands! She continued to tell us that she had never seen that type of insulin there before and that she couldn’t believe they had it. We were able to explain to her that it wasn’t “luck” or “coincidence” that we were able to receive it, but only God’s provision. She asked us about our stories and where we were going, and we were able to share a little bit about God and the World Race and Africa with her. She even invited us to come back the next day and gave us a portable refrigerator for free so that I could travel with my insulin!
Giving: Now this is the part that previously seemed much easier for me on the surface. My default personality is one that naturally wants to help and care for others. Over time, however, I have realized that I am unable to truly give unless I have first received from the Father. This is something God has been gradually teaching me since I first met Him. The first time I ever heard God clearly speak to me was in high school when I was constantly trying to please other people but never felt good enough. When I was at my lowest point, I felt God ask, “How are you supposed to love others if you can’t love yourself and receive my love?”
Fast forward about five years, and God is continuing to challenge me in the same area in new ways. Throughout my time on the World Race, I have been stretched in my faith in countless ways, but the biggest ongoing lesson that God is teaching me is that everything I have is His. That everything I have now received is something that God chose to give to me. And not only that, but that everything I have received is then mine to give away. Even with the words that come out of my mouth, I can choose to use what I have received from God to encourage and speak life and truth into the lives of those around me.
Whenever I have received healing or provision, God has opened a door for me to give it away. The day after Ana and I went to the pharmacy and got the insulin and refrigerator, we were walking down the street in downtown Mendoza, and I saw a homeless woman with a sign written in Spanish. I asked the team if we could stop and talk to her, and I realized that the first thing on her sign translated, “Please help me. I need diabetic supplies.” Literally the day after I had received my own miracle, God placed someone in my life that I could give it away to!! I was able to pray with the woman, tell her about God’s provision, and bless her with all the diabetic supplies that she needed from the pharmacy. Time and time again, I am reminded how huge God is, yet how much He still cares about the details. His timing is so perfect. I can’t wait to see the ways He continues to teach me and place me in situations where I am able to serve more like Christ in this area.
“Heal the sick, raise the dead, cure those with leprosy, and cast out demons. Give as freely as you have received!” -Matthew 10:8 (NLT)
