So last week we ended up staying in Jaco again after our adventure day. We only booked the hotel rooms for one night so the team booked a hostel for the night. Before this trip I had never even heard of a hostel, so the thought of staying in one seemed exciting but also kind of scary. I didn’t know what to expect walking in.
When we got to the hostel, someone led us through to our rooms and the place seemed really nice. But when I walked into the room I was supposed to stay in for the night, I felt an overwhelming amount of anxiety and outright fear hit me like a train. The feeling came out of no where- I can’t recall any thoughts of worry that would have triggered this anxiety, it just appeared in volumes I couldn’t handle. I tried to fight the tears back but I couldn’t stop it. I couldn’t stop the fear.
I ended up having an anxiety attack, so one on my sweet friends lead me to the pool to get some air. I hadn’t experienced an anxiety attack like that in a while and that made it feel even more overwhelming. But my friend was patient and just sat there with me as I worked through it.
I don’t know where the fear came from, and the thing is, most of the anxiety attacks I used to get happened like this. The fear just appeared. I never understood why until last night.
I’ve always known the phrase “anxiety has no place where the Lord is,” and while that sounded nice I didn’t get it. But last night it hit me- the anxiety attack wasn’t from God, it was an attack from the devil. I don’t know why it took me so long to really realize this, but it’s starting to make sense. I had felt fine all day, good even. I felt in tune with the Spirit. But I was nervous about staying in the hostel. And the devil used that against me. I wasn’t expecting fear to appear, I wasn’t alert to possible attacks from satan. In that hour I wasn’t in tune with the Spirit. And the devil used that hour against me to instill fear in my heart.
My friend told me something after that I used to have to tell myself all the time last year— “it’s okay to not be okay.” And it’s true. It’s okay to not be okay. Because even when I’m not, I know my creator is. I know that He is still all powerful in that moment, I know He will still protect me, I know He is still in the trenches fighting with me. And really, really realizing that changes my fight.
Yes, the devil will send anxiety attacks my way, that’s a guarantee. But I have God. And when I’m not okay, when the anxiety gets me, He is strong in all of my weakness.
Anxiety has no hold on me because my God hold everything in His hands.
