There is no way to communicate all that fills my heart and mind during these final days on the Race. That first sentence alone took me three tries to get it right. All the emotions, all the lessons, all the things I would have done differently, and all the things I am ready to do at home; so much I wish I could share. We were told to begin processing the Race three months ago. I tried to figure out how I could organize and think through the past 11 months, but thankfully the Spirit took over this task several weeks ago. I could feel Him leading me to process and I trusted Him to bring things to mind at the right time, in the right order. And He has; praise the Spirit for bringing things together that I would have never figured out on my own! Most people desire a nice and neat conclusion to each season, but it rarely comes. But I have been blessed. Not everything is figured out nor every lesson accounted for, but the Spirit has revealed a lot about why He did things certain ways and the purpose of it all. Thank you Father.
I want to write A LOT of blogs touching on all sorts of topics: being healed of anxiety back in Thailand, new revelations of my identity as the beloved, lessons on Kingdom culture, thoughts for future Racers, and much, much more. And maybe I will get there one day. But today, I just need to write for me.
While in college, I held numerous leadership positions with various ministries in North Carolina. Camp Oak Hill, Campus Crusade for Christ, speaking at youth events, and serving with my church. We all know that with leadership comes responsibility; things expected of you. When I was a leadership director at Camp Oak Hill, I was responsible for encouraging the female counselors, leading weekly Bible study, organizing several overnight trips, and coming up with the curriculum for the leadership campers. I was told to complete these tasks by my boss and my co-leaders expected me to carry my part of the weight. I did these things because it was my job, because the responsibilities were listed on my contract, because others were counting on me, and I wanted their approval.
While on the Race, I haven’t been in a leader position. (Yes, I was honored to plan the Halloween party back in Malaysia, but past that, nothing.) No one sat me down and listed off my responsibilities. I wasn’t in charge of the team; I wasn’t in charge of finances or travel. There were no titles in front of my name and no human authority had expectations. It was a strange place to be. But also refreshing to step back and feel free from leadership for a season. But then God started asking me to do things and step out in things that seemed pretty “leadershipy” to me. And He asked me again and again. It was hard, really hard at certain times.
“God, that’s not my responsibility. I’m not the leader.”
“Why do I have to be the one to say these things to her again?”
“I’m sick of stepping out when no one is following.”
“I have to give that feedback again? Why can’t someone else do it?”
“I don’t want to lead by example. It’s their turn. This isn’t fair.”
These thoughts ran through my mind a time or two (or ten) while on the Race. Month after month, day after day, God was leading me to say things I was sick of saying and step out time and time again. Stirring my Spirit to call our team to a deeper place with the Father or bring up something hard with a teammate. So many times I felt alone. I felt like I was the only one who saw things, I was the only one who cared enough to say something. It was frustrating and tiring. Thankfully, the Lord placed people in my life that encouraged me to obey and not give up. Here’s an example of the sweet encouragement my friend and sister, Becky Lewis gave during month 10 upon telling her “Becks, I can’t do it anymore.”
You can! I know you can. You're a lot stronger, patient, wiser and persistent than you think you are. I've been asking God why He has brought some of us into certain seasons of our lives and I don't have an answer but all He keeps telling me is "You see the finish line. Keep going" You can do this, you always could. With Him of course 🙂
So why God, why did I have to walk through all of this?
You needed to learn obedience.
Wait, what?
You needed to learn to obey Me regardless of position or title. Your obedience in the past has been rooted in human approval. You have obeyed for others. I wanted to see if you would obey only for me.
Ohmygosh. It all makes sense.
As soon as my Father, let me in on this beautiful purpose for my journey, I exclaimed, “IT WAS WORTH IT!”
My Father used each situation on the Race to see if I would obey Him. Only Him. Was He enough? Was He alone worth it? I say often, “Jesus is more than enough.” God put my belief in those words to the test, for my refinement, my good, and His glory.
Would I obey when no one else was watching? Would I step out when I wasn’t required to?
Would I say, “yes” time and time again even when I was worn out and tired?
Before Jesus began His ministry, He too, had to learn obedience to the Father’s mission. He walked through 30 years of submission to His Father and other human authorities His Father brought into His life. He had to learn obedience first. Obedience to His Father and His Father's mission were Jesus' top priorities. It had to be that way.
I am beyond thankful to have walked in a similar season. Learning to submit to my Father first and foremost. Submitting to His mission and the human authorities He has put in my place. Obeying when no one else saw it and it wasn’t technically required of me.
It was so hard at times. I often wanted to give up. I complained often and let my frustration get the best of me more than once.
But my Father used ALL things for my good. Another season, where He completed the work He started. And now I have a greater desire to say “yes” to my Father’s mission than ever before. I trust Him more than I did 11 months ago. A lot more, actually.
Thank you God for revealing your beautiful, redemptive, and sovereign purposes. I didn’t deserve it. But it has been so sweet to look back and see what You were doing all along, when I didn’t understand and just wanted to give up. I love you more than anything else. You are most beautiful.
