!!!this blog post is long/messy/raw and very personal & is only a few moments out of many from training camp. please read with an open mind and heart to see how the Lord has been working through me these past 10 days<3
The past 10 days have forever changed my life and my heart. At first I didn’t understand why God had brought me to adventures in missions. I felt this way because I hated being there the first few days. I felt out of place and unloved. I somehow convinced myself to keep going because I didn’t want to give up on something I knew I felt called to do in the first place. The longer I was there, the more I got to know others and the more I began to love everything about adventures in missions. To be honest those 10 days blended all together but halfway through it, Jesus had wrecked me. (Personal info coming at you in .2 seconds) I had come into training camp dealing with depression and anxiety. My anxiety had overcome me at training camp, but so did the enemy. Sometimes I cannot tell the difference between those two and it’s an endless mind game of trying to get through every thought that comes to my mind. This was pushing me over the edge and I had a nudge to talk to someone about it. I pulled one of my leaders aside and confided in her about my battle with depression/anxiety. I explained to her that old wounds were coming back to the surface. That my anxiety has caused me to be closed off to others at camp. I was so sure I didn’t have a place here. I felt worthless but also numb. I thought about killing myself again, feeling as if I’m back to square one with this part of my life.
We talked for a long time and she explained to me that the enemy knows your weak points. He will get into your head and fill it with fear, comparison, and anything that is not of the spirit of the Lord. After talking more in depth about my struggles, she prayed for me. For the first time in my life, the Lord had spoken to me visually. When my eyes were closed, I saw a clear image of Isaiah 51:18 written out.
“There is none to guide her among all the sons she has borne; there is none to take her by the hand among all the sons she has brought up.”
I freaked out but I also convinced myself it wasn’t even real. After she was done praying for me, she had a couple bible verses herself that the Lord had spoken to her to show me. As she did this, I peaked at the verse I saw out of curiosity. It made absolutely no sense at first and I was angry. I showed my leader out of frustration and she took a moment to read it, then paused. Looked at me and smiled. She said to read past the first verse: (this is long but bear with me)
19 These two things have happened to you—
who will console you?—
devastation and destruction, famine and sword;
who will comfort you?
20 Your sons have fainted;
they lie at the head of every street
like an antelope in a net;
they are full of the wrath of the Lord,
the rebuke of your God.
21 Therefore hear this, you who are afflicted,
who are drunk, but not with wine:
22 Thus says your Lord, the Lord,
your God who pleads the cause of his people:
“Behold, I have taken from your hand the cup of staggering;
the bowl of my wrath you shall drink no more;
23 and I will put it into the hand of your tormentors,
who have said to you,
‘Bow down, that we may pass over’;
and you have made your back like the ground
and like the street for them to pass over.”
Isaiah 52:1-12
Awake, awake,
put on your strength, O Zion;
put on your beautiful garments,
O Jerusalem, the holy city;
for there shall no more come into you
the uncircumcised and the unclean.
2 Shake yourself from the dust and arise;
be seated, O Jerusalem;
loose the bonds from your neck,
O captive daughter of Zion.
3 For thus says the Lord: “You were sold for nothing, and you shall be redeemed without money.” 4 For thus says the Lord God: “My people went down at the first into Egypt to sojourn there, and the Assyrian oppressed them for nothing. 5 Now therefore what have I here,” declares the Lord, “seeing that my people are taken away for nothing? Their rulers wail,” declares the Lord, “and continually all the day my name is despised. 6 Therefore my people shall know my name. Therefore in that day they shall know that it is I who speak; here I am.”
7 How beautiful upon the mountains
are the feet of him who brings good news,
who publishes peace, who brings good news of happiness,
who publishes salvation,
who says to Zion, “Your God reigns.”
8 The voice of your watchmen—they lift up their voice;
together they sing for joy;
for eye to eye they see
the return of the Lord to Zion.
9 Break forth together into singing,
you waste places of Jerusalem,
for the Lord has comforted his people;
he has redeemed Jerusalem.
10 The Lord has bared his holy arm
before the eyes of all the nations,
and all the ends of the earth shall see
the salvation of our God.
11 Depart, depart, go out from there;
touch no unclean thing;
go out from the midst of her; purify yourselves,
you who bear the vessels of the Lord.
12 For you shall not go out in haste,
and you shall not go in flight,
for the Lord will go before you,
and the God of Israel will be your rear guard.
As soon as I finished reading all of it, she explained it to me in a way that I could understand better. Isaiah 51:18-23 is explaining how God’s fury has been removed. That grief of past broken heartedness, job, health and everything in between is to be brought to him. Unexpressed grief complicates your life, especially emotionally. Isaiah 52:1-12 tells us that God redeems Jerusalem. The Lord redeems us and will go before us, being our rear guard.
After taking this all in, I cried like I never had before. I have cried out of sadness and out of hopelessness. I have never cried like this; out of pure solace. I realized I had an insane amount of grief for my past. “Sorrow of soul” to put it best. I had kept grief inside from past relationships, sin, and having mental health issues. Release from grief and inner happiness can only come when you offer your circumstances to God. He can cause them to bear fruit on your behalf.
I’m not saying you need to be shown scripture through prayer to be saved, I’m saying to let the Lord take and change everything about you. I had not let him into the mental health part of my life. I longed to control it because I identified with it. I’ve been on medication and I have been to counseling, but I held onto this part of my life. It has been a known thing, I have told people about it before, but I didn’t let him take it into his hands. I wanted so very bad to fix this part of myself. I had kept my feelings, sadness, anxieties, and fears aside from him. He knew I was feeling this pain for so long but I wouldn’t let him touch it. I used to stay up all night crying for hours, praying to him that he would take my life. Convincing myself that I have no purpose and that I am nothing. I used to tell myself that suicide is the only option. I had no hope in anything, I had lost sight of him.
But I am standing here today, writing this blog post and I now know the only option I have is it to carry the cross with me everyday. I have purpose and with him, I am someone. Because of him I am someone. I have a purpose and so do you. Keep looking to him through everything. Your life will not be perfect because of it but it will be filled with seasons of his kingdom. His timing is different for me and you, but it is perfect. Trust him and let him take over ALL of you and watch your life unfold into his hands. It’s intense but it is beautiful.
Throughout camp, he spoke to me directly and through other people continuously after this. He is crazy good. His love and his plans are something I’ll never be able to wrap my mind around. But I will take comfort in knowing that I am here for a reason and I will not identify with myself with having mental health issues. I may always deal with that but I know I’m not dealing with it alone. He is with me and he is with you.
The amount of love I’ve been shown by others and by God himself is beyond me. I’m so undeserving of this life yet he still pulls me towards him and does not leave me behind. I can’t help but to push this love onto others who may not know what it feels like to be loved unconditionally. I am finally finding my voice through Christ and I can’t go another day without telling others how good he is. My perspective on him, life and others has changed dramatically. I know that I have trials and bad days ahead of me, and that the enemy will try to attack me again. But I am going to look to him through all of it and praise him even on the bad days. I know that anxiety/depression will also sneak up on me but I will not give up. I will not turn to suicide again, I’m never going back.
I am writing this for anyone to see because I want you to know that he wants all of you. He wants the dirt, he wants the pain and suffering, and he wants to flood your life with his perfect love. He wants you to cast everything on him. No matter how far you think you’re away from him, he’s right beside you. Every moment, he is there. Even if you can’t hear or feel him, he is there. If you’re reading this, the Lord has an everlasting love for you and everyone around you. He wants you and he sees your pain. He knows the desires of your heart and he has a purpose for you. Let down your walls and let his love overflow into you. Into EVERY part of your life. Give it all to him. Grief is not forever and your pain is not forever. His unfailing grace heals and redeems you. Will you let him into every part of your life?
