hello I’m currently just getting back from my squads half point debrief and time really is flying by now. During debrief we get to have time to rest and reflect on our time in Cost Rica so far. Our squad leaders,mentor,coaches, and some squad mates talk during sessions about anything the Lord’s put on their heart for us to hear. One of the main themes that came up was that “it’s not about you.” I’m on month 4 of my race and the Lord’s freed me from so many things in my past but I tend to forget that it’s really not about me. That’s not meant to throw all he’s done for me under the rug, because Lord knows I have a lot of crap that needs to be redeemed. But at some point I had lost sight of the very reason I was put here. It’s easy to be in this environment I’m in, traveling all over the world and thinking that I’m the center of it. Ive taken all my experiences on the race to heart but something I was afraid of was letting it get to my head. And if I’m being completely honest, it has gotten to my head. I want to post on Instagram everything that I’m doing, showing everybody, which by no means is a bad thing, but my heart behind sharing was not in the right place. If any of you follow me on Instagram I haven’t posted much and there’s many reasons for it. My heart wasn’t in the right place for a while. (I know I titled this blog “it’s not about me” and I’m literally talking about myself but bare with me please) This is my first time ever experiencing anything like this. My life has completely flipped from 1 year ago. If I’m keeping it real with you guys, 1 year ago and even before that, I was drinking smoking and making horrible decisions(decisions that I made solely alone). God’s been pursuing me since and I’ve been trying to wrap my mind around the fact that I was there and now I’m here. SO
Having all of that on my mind, yeah it’s been easy to make it seem like this even has anything to do with me but it really doesn’t. Our leaders gave us some incredible insight on what it really means to be here in missions, where your heart should be and how to get there. My heart was in a place where I was looking at my life before and now, which yes that’s completely understandable, but the conviction I’ve had has caused me to see things differently. As someone who follows Jesus, coming into this part of my life, I’ve wanted to see crazy miracles and things beyond my imagination because who wouldn’t? Especially if you struggled to believe before. And I have, but those “crazy” spiritual things is not what life’s about. Yes there’s incredible power in those things because they come from the one who does them but our leaders reminded us that that’s just the icing on the cake. What’s important is our relationship with him. The intimacy we have with him at the end of the day, it’s vital. The desire we have for things beyond our imagination is completely normal but we sometimes tend to lose sight of what’s most important. I know that some people reading this do not have an intimate relationship with Jesus. I cannot transform your heart myself because he’s the only one who can. But I’m still going to keep telling you about him 🙂
My heart has been transformed since leaving the states but do I really think that I had anything to do with that? I do believe it comes down to choosing him, in fact I now it’s a choice. But if I really think this whole trip is about me then who am I to say that I deserve to see miracles and that I’m the one who changed my heart? His power is beyond our comprehension and his ways are something that make me wonder each time. But making this about me, it’s exhausting. Thinking everything is on my shoulders or in my control, it leaves me feeling empty and emotionally drained.
If there’s anything I’m currently learning, it’s that intimacy rules over everything. Having intimacy with him produces fruit and that fruit will flow out of you to the point where you don’t have to try, because it’s not about you. What do I think it’s about? Well from what I got during those six days of debrief is that it’s about your relationship with him. You cannot further bring his kingdom or bear fruit if you are not intimate with him. Real talk, I had a great fear of intimacy for a long time for many different reasons which will be in another blog coming soon! but I never knew how important it was.
So for a while my heart was not in the right place to post on social media because I did think it was about me. That it was about MY experiences and the things I (emphasis on the I) have done. Of course I will bring my experiences back home with me, no doubt I’m going to share them but it’s a shame to make it about me still. It’s about what he’s done and what he can do. Most importantly, who he is because he is intimacy. Knowing him and having intimacy with him is something I can carry, because it means I’m not the center. Having intimacy with him looks like spending time with him everyday, choosing him everyday, and reading his word everyday.
I’ve heard these before but I first heard them as instructions and in my head it became religion. It’s so much more than a religion, it’s a relationship. I know many people know that but there’s so many that don’t, I was one of those.
Anyway, me explaining all of this comes down to the fact that yes I chose to do this, I chose to leave home with a leap of Faith. I’m choosing him everyday and knowing more about him everyday, but to think that the rest has anything to do with me is harmful to my heart. Finding the balance between myself, him, and others is difficult at times. I know that my life here on earth is important, I am purposed, but to put myself in the center each time isn’t fulfilling.
There are things I’m still going to be sharing through my blogs about myself and how Gods been working in my life because my heart is in the right place for it. I feel as if that’s still something he puts on my heart when it comes to reaching people back home.
I realized when I wrote this people may get the wrong idea, thinking it’s wrong to ever think about yourself or talk about yourself or anything of that matter, and that’s not at all the point of this blog. God cares for you and wants you to be aware of yourself and your life but finding the balance between what’s about you and what isn’t, that’s what needs enlightening.
I’m asking for enlightenment about what’s about me and what isn’t and it’s full of humbleness, humility, and new beginnings of Faith.
