As I played the words over and over again in my mind, I felt nothing. I was completely and totally numb. When I think back, being numb was better than the flood of emotions that quickly followed. Time is a funny thing. When you look to the future it seems like there is all the time in the world, but when you look back to the past, it seems like everything was just yesterday. Its a dangerous paradox that causes us to waste away precious moments of our lives because we’ve grown so accustomed to relying on the time promised by tomorrow. Wake up and realize that tomorrow isn’t guaranteed.
At least 5 people I went to school with have died suddenly and unexpectedly. They were too young, and it wasn’t fair. They had dreams and hopes for the future. They lived their lives making plans just like the rest of us, but then too many drinks and a winding road dictated that their plans weren’t worthy of unfolding and circumstance claimed a life too soon. So what do you do when dying isn’t unexpected, when you can see it coming from a mile away? The sand is running out in the timer, and you can’t slow it down or make it stop until it runs out.
I was blessed with the opportunity to spend a week with my dad, brother, and Nana recently. My Nana has always been passionate about political matters and about religion as well. She is a Baptist, but refers to herself as a “Bapticostal” because she gets fired up in church. When I was visiting her, she talked almost non-stop about September 23. I thought it was ironic since that is my first fundraising deadline, but she told me that September 23 is the first day of the Jewish Feast of the Trumpets. She firmly believes that we are going to be raptured next month. For me, this isn’t uncommon. She talks about this kind of stuff a lot, and I love to see how excited she is to meet Jesus one day soon. Although I’d love it if she was right, I do admit that I don’t really buy into it…at least not for this time.
With all of that being said, as I drove home to El Paso, I had almost 9 loooooong hours of desert wilderness to accompany my thoughts and zero cellphone or radio reception. I started to daydream about the possibility of her being right. What if Jesus really was coming back on September 23? I only have a month left. I was numb to it all at first. Then the reality began to sink in, and I was overwhelmed with a tidal wave of emotion. First I was panicked-all that time wasted in my youth that I could have used to reach my circle of unbelieving friends, those days off where I binged on Netflix that I could have used to volunteer at the hospital, the times I stuck my nose in my cellphone to browse Facebook instead of teaching my little brother about Jesus. Then came anger-I wouldn’t ever experience marriage and having my own children, I would never go on the World Race, I couldn’t grow old surrounded by my family.
Finally after I had spent too much time to mention laundry listing all the things I would miss out on and regret, a switch flipped in my head. I became filled with joy-I would skip all the pain that worldy experiences offer and jump into the arms of my loving Jesus, I wouldn’t ever bring children into a world that is filled with violence, oppression, and hate, my family would be reunited in our heavenly kingdom, the rest of my eternity would be spent praising God. As I thought back to my initial reaction, I was ashamed and embarrassed that God could hear my thoughts and knew how selfish I had been in my heart. Would I seriously rather have gifts from God than God Himself? Of course not! Who would choose the gift over the giver?
After the swirling vortex of thought started to settle, I reapproached the subject with caution and came to this question: If I really only had one month left, how would I be spending my time? The car ride home to El Paso was almost as much of a blessing as the week I spent with family. In those 9 hours, I let go of the anxiety over fundraising. I handed God my dreams of marriage and family. I stopped thinking about finding a job. I no longer cared about how I was going to spend my future. For those 9 hours, I lived in the now and spent sweet and uninterrupted time with the Holy Spirit.
You know, we aren’t EVER guaranteed tomorrow. Jesus may really be coming back next month, and we may not live to see this weekend. If you’ve seen 1,000 Ways to Die you know that the unexpected is literally around every corner. My challenge to myself after that internal conflict was to live as if Jesus really was coming back tomorrow. What does life look like when you live that way?
- Less stress and anxiety
- No worries about the future
- Enjoying every moment
- Finding blessings in the small things
- Being filled with joy
- Appreciating nature
- Letting go of your own plans and trusting God’s
- Praising Him when the unexpected happens
- Saying YES and living life to the fullest
- Jumping without being afraid to fall
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. -Matthew 6:34
My prayer for each of you is that you would take time out of today to reevaluate your priorities and look at life through a new lens. It isn’t a unlimited gift. It will run out, and it is going to be over sooner than you can fathom. Our earthly lives are a mere blip on the scale of eternity. Take a leap of faith and put one foot out in front of the other on the premise that your time is limited and tomorrow may never come. Live, and I mean truly LIVE for today.
As I was typing this blog, my mind wandered back to a blog that my sweet teammate Chloe wrote on a similar subject. I highly encourage you to read her take on this as well! http://chloeclendinning.theworldrace.org/post/would-you-ask-me-to-wait
Also, my deadline of September 23 is quickly approaching and I still have a little over $3,000 until I reach my first deadline. If you feel led, please allow the Holy Spirit to direct your heart in how you would like to contribute to my mission trip-either through prayer or financially. Your tax deductible donations can be made on the home page of my blog. Thank you and God Bless! Amanda
