Oh the overwhelming never ending reckless love of God
Oh it chases me down, fights til I’m found, leaves the ninety-nine
I couldn’t earn it, I don’t deserve it
But still You give Yourself away
Oh the overwhelming never ending reckless love of God
This is the chorus to one of my current favorite worship songs titled Reckless Love. The song talks about how well the Father loves us and how He goes to any and all lengths to bring us into the depths of His love. As I was engaging in listening prayer, the Lord told me that I am the ninety-nine, and immediately this song began to play through my head.
I am addicted to patterns. I like routines, schedules, planning, lists, and anything that says “this is going to be predictable and safe.” I like cycles that repeat themselves because I like to be comfortable. I like to know what is coming. This applies to my personal life, social life, emotional state, mental state, and pretty much every aspect that comes with being Amanda Cadenhead.
When God said I was the ninety-nine, I was really confused. The ninety-nine are the flock that the Shepherd leaves to go chase down the one. I want to be that one. I want the Lord to chase me down and leave the other part of the flock. Every time I’ve sung that song, I’ve envisioned being the one wayward sheep that wanders off and needs to be rescued. It came as a slap in the face when I realized how backwards my thinking was and how selfish and ignorant I’ve been.
Being the one means you have wandered away from the Shepherd. It means you are totally lost and/or in danger and need to be rescued from yourself. It means you have made a decision to leave the care and comfort of your Provider to blaze your own trail. Why would I actively wish to be that one?
Let me start by saying that there is nothing wrong with being the one that is being pursued by the Lord. That is a beautiful position to be in. I have been the wayward child that left the flock to do my own thing. I caused a lot of people a lot of pain, but in that season of my life, the Lord was always with me. Looking back, I can see where I should have died or gone to jail but His hand of protection sheltered me from hurting myself or others. I remember being so afraid at times and then suddenly feeling an overwhelming sense of peace that I now recognize to have come from the Holy Spirit. I was the one and I am so grateful for the pursuit of the Father after me.
I was meditating on this when I came to realize that some of the times in my life where I’ve felt the closest to God were the times when I was at rock bottom. Conversely, some of the times where I felt God was most silent or absent were when I was in deep relationship with Him. In the last month, I felt that God was extremely present, but for the most part totally silent. I couldn’t understand why.
Looking back on my life as a whole, I can now see an ugly pattern that makes me sick to come to terms with. When I can’t hear or feel God in my life, I actively pull myself away to become the one sheep so that I know He is still there. Rather than trusting Him and His care as part of the ninety-nine, I have allowed my relationship with the Father to consist of a back and forth chase. He chases me down when I go astray, and because His pursuit for me looks differently when I’m not running, I don’t feel satisfied.
Many people have spoken words over me to rest in the Father’s love and to just be. I genuinely thought I was already walking in that until He told me I am the ninety-nine. I have become comfortable and accustomed to the pattern of running off as the one and never learned to rejoice in being near to the Father in safe community.
“What do you think? If a man own a hundred sheep, and one of them wanders away, will he not leave the ninety-nine on the hills and go to look for the one that wandered off? And if he finds it, truly I tell you, he is happier about that one sheep than about the ninety-nine that did not wander off.” -Matthew 18:12-13
Jesus has called us to be part of the flock. His desire is not that we would wander off. He prefers to love us within His arms rather than loving us by coming after us with open arms. How much better and more fulfilling is it to embrace someone you love than to hold your arms open waiting for them to receive your love? Because you’re one of the ninety-nine doesn’t mean the Shepherd loves you any less or cares any less about you. It doesn’t mean you aren’t valued or seen.
Regardless of your position as the one or as part of the ninety-nine, the Father is in pursuit of You and constantly desires deeper relationship with you. The Shepherd is steadfast in His love and protection and concern for us all. In this season, the Father is teaching me to truly rest in Him rather than running away to feel His presence.
