I’m in that phase of the race where I look back at my journal entries from training camp and the first few months and reminisce on the things of world race past. I was only 8 days into training camp when I wrote this in my journal.
Mental.
Physical.
Emotional.
Spiritual.
They revolve and evolve around each other. Surprise! When one is attacked, they are all affected. Training Camp has been one big revolving door of processing, growing, shedding skin, and peeling back ancient layers of our story to reexamine and heal from old wounds. When you’re put inside a pressure cooker, you’re either going to cook or you’re going to explode. I’ve seen both this week and have been on a roller coaster journey of revelation with the Lord. Going back and processing pain, shame, and anger is emotionally taxing. At the end of each day, we have been left drained of ourselves. Boundaries have been pushed this week in all aspects and we have lived a life outside of our comfort zone. My prayer has been for a spirit of boldness and obedience in the face of fear. We have done so much to discover the Lord this week that I feel like I don’t even know myself anymore. What I now realize is that what I thought I knew about myself was not my true identity in the Lord. I was hiding behind layers of false self. Also, I’ve learned that as much as I thought I knew about the world was only a drop in the ocean. I have a terrifyingly excited feeling that this is only a taste of what is to come. The Lord has spoken joy over me and I eagerly wait to see where He takes me and how He allows me to grow.
Upon reflection, I can relate to that girl who sat in her tent and scribbled away. I can feel what she felt, but it has blossomed into so much more. I remember the excited fear and butterflies every time I realized that this was really my life. I still get those in month 6. That roller coaster of revelation? I’m still very much on it. Processing all the hard things? Still doing that too.
I think the closer I grow to the Lord, the more I realize I’m like one of the dwarves in Snow White. Each morning, I heave my pick-axe over my shoulder and march into the day ready to break up the hardened ground around my heart. The song I’m singing varies greatly depending on my attitude, but regardless, I make the choice to go. I can relate on a spiritual level to all 7 of the dwarves. Happy, Sleepy, Dopey, Grumpy, Doc, Sneezy, and Bashful. They are all me and I am they. I’ve especially been kin to Sneezy while in Nepal. TGFZ (Thank God for Zyrtec.)
I think the dwarves are a beautiful picture of what community should look like. They love each other, they’re family, they resolve conflict, they love the people around them, and they have a common goal. Also, they since and dance, and who can argue that being a great thing? The lesson I take away from the dwarves is that they’re steadfast. Each morning, they go to work singing, and each evening they come home the same way. Shouldn’t our life with the Lord look like that?
There have been days on the race where I was emotionally done. I checked out and retreated to the inner recesses of LaLa Land in my mind. There have been days where I let something that was hard ruin the rest of my day. There have been so many times where I messed up. I don’t say this to condemn myself because the Lord meets me with so much grace. Mistakes are inevitable because I’m human.
Do you know why most of those day unfolded the way they did though? In most cases, I didn’t start the day off with the Lord, or for that matter end it with Him either. I noticed in the first few months of the race that when things got hard, I tried to run from Him instead of running toward Him. How backwards I had it all! The Lord is our home. He is our dwelling place. At the end of a hard day, or any day really, He should be all we want – the place where we are comfortable and can rest.
This blog is kind of all over the place because even though it’s called The Processing Plant, these thoughts aren’t fully processed. I don’t yet have the pretty bow to put on the package. All I know is that the Lord is asking me to continue to Hi-Ho with my axe on the way to do work for the Kingdom each day and that a lot of that work starts in my own heart.
He does call us to process our past pain rather than continuing to stuff it down. He does say there is freedom in forgiveness and letting go. He does say that reliving our nightmares and facing our demons is hard, BUT He also promises to be by our side. As you allow Him to reveal the things He wants to heal in you, He will also reveal who He is calling you to be – brave, courageous, strong, bold, relentless in pursuit, a teacher, disciple, friend, and lover of Him.
Training Camp seems like it happened 5 years ago rather than merely 8 months, but if anything, it shows me that change that comes from the Lord doesn’t have to take forever. Saying yes today does change your tomorrow. Becoming new doesn’t take a lifetime; it takes a daily commitment. It takes many small steps rather than one big one. Change doesn’t come with the Staples EASY button. It simultaneously is and isn’t a quick fix. The Lord works in His own timing which almost never aligns with our human ideals, but His timing is always perfect.
In all of this I conclude by challenging you to pick up your pick-axe, heave it over your shoulder, and go to work with the Lord’s song in your heart. Break up the hardened ground around your heart and allow Him to repair your foundation. Jump into your own pressure cooker and let it transform you. You might just find that what you though to be coal all along was really a diamond waiting to be refined.
