What do you do with your dreams? Do you turn them into grandiose plans and ideas? Do they permeate your subconscious and leak through into every waking moment? If you’re anything like I was when I started the race, your dreams always become goals, but they never seem realistic. Everything always feels just beyond your reach. It isn’t that I was or am pessimistic. I think that I view the world through a pretty realistic lens. It’s just that I am highly aware of the finiteness of my humanity. I have grown to accept that all things that could or should be done cannot all be accomplished by me personally.
Upon this initial realization, I felt kind of disgusted. What was the real purpose of my life if I couldn’t make a difference in the world around me? I want to leave an impact. The Lord asked me to bring Him all my dreams. He didn’t put any stipulations on it. He asked for ALL of them.
The whole process of sitting with myself and exploring what my dreams are was in itself freeing. Usually, I sweep my dreams to the side in favor of my present reality. I don’t give them weight because I don’t want to face the disappointment of not having them come to fruition. The Lord showed me that I have been playing it way safe in my prayer life. He asked me the hard question, “Do you think your wildest dreams are too big for Me?”
It stung to hear my spirit whisper yes in response, but it revealed a glaring blind spot in my personal walk. I was trusting more in my own ability than I was in God. I never prayed bold prayers because I thought that if something couldn’t be achieved by my own hands it wouldn’t get done. I’m embarrassed to admit that my mind was so arrogant and self-consumed.
I began to truly explore my dreams and wonder about the impossible. I started to ask God to be my strength instead of a spectator to my own show. I asked for a role reversal so that I could sit back and watch God in all His glory and rest in knowing that His capability is far beyond my own. I started to pray bold prayers. I asked Him to do things I could never do on my own. The strange thing about it all was that for as much as I doubted Him, I wasn’t at all surprised when everything in my life began to change for the better.
In month 2 (Ghana), I worked on a lot of inner healing. I hit a wall in my spiritual walk and until I could learn to let go of my past, I knew I wasn’t ever going to progress. This is an excerpt from my journal. To preface, during meditation I often go places with Jesus in my mind. This is where I was at this particular moment:
We are alone on a hill, seated at the foot of the cross. You are seated to my left and I lay down and put my head in Your lap. I’m not sure of the time of day – dawn or dusk. The cross is a black silhouette in front of radiant shades of blue, purple, hot pink, and orange blended onto the palette of sky in the background. We are in the mountains and the air is clean and crisp. I see Your outstretched finger point to the cross. “Do you see that? I did that for you.” I think to myself about the weight of that and let the tears flow. I am overwhelmed by the depths of Your love for me.
Seated in the silence, I wonder whether it’s a sunrise or sunset before us. You know my thoughts and say, “It’s a sunrise because this is a new day.” You stroke my hair and tell me that I’m beautiful. We rest together at the foot of the cross and even though we are silent I can hear You saying, “I love you.” over and over.
We stay there together and I’m marked by supernatural peace and serenity. There is no rush to leave and we sit in each other’s presence. Next to the cross, there has been a dark object that I was assuming was just a rock. As the sun climbs higher, I see that it is a backpack made out of stone. The straps are clearly worn and show signs of much use. Etched into the body of the pack is all the hurt from my past. There are names of people, places, events. The pack looks small sitting next to the cross.
I realize that I feel at peace because I am resting with Jesus free from the heavy weight of the stone pack. My shoulders are lighter and more relaxed. My body still feels the ache from carrying it up the hill, but with each passing moment, more tension slips away. You point Your toe at the pack as if asking a question. I chew on my options and try to digest the potential outcomes. “I want to leave it here, but my muscles will still remember what it felt like to carry around.” You wait. “I don’t understand how it can be this simple.” More silence that lasts longer.
I stand up and want to run down the hill. I’ve never done that before because the weight of the backpack has made me feel unsteady. I look to You for approval and You nod Your head. I glance behind You at the pack once again – hesitant to leave it behind. I made a split second decision and charge down the hill, picking up speed and flailing my arms around me like a discombobulated windmill.
You keep pace with me and we run into an open field at the foot of the hill. The sun is all the way up now and the flowers stretch toward the sky and open their petals in a good morning greeting to the Father. There is a lone tree that I’m running to. You are in white robes and I’m in a blue and white checkered dress with big yellow sunflowers on it. My hair is in two french braids and I feel simultaneously giddy and beautiful.
When we reach the tree, it’s massive limbs stretch wide. I run into its shade and begin to climb. I’m hanging from one of the lower branches like a sloth, looking at You upside down. You let out a boisterous laugh from deep within Your belly and I know that in this moment You are so very much delighted in me. I’m a child in the presence of my Father and I am overwhelmed with joy.
This new glimpse of joy as I had experienced it with Jesus became my dream. I wanted to be overwhelmed all the time. A little taste went a long way and sparked a fire within me to let go of it all and abandon everything in pursuit of Jesus. I dropped my backpack made of stone at the cross and for once in my life left it there. Every morning since that day, I pray and make a conscious decision to give my burdens to Jesus for the day. It has become easier, and I haven’t once regretted the decision.
Some of my dreams are meant to come to fruition in this season. Joy, peace, and forgiveness are always on God’s agenda. Those aren’t ever things He wants you to wait on. He wants good things for you.
There are other dreams that seem more impossible that I know aren’t for right now. As much as I would love it, it isn’t time for me to start adopting children yet. I’m not old enough to join a senior citizen’s center. (Don’t judge. This is a legitimate life goal.) Some of my dreams seem silly to other people, but they are all things that I deeply want someday. The list is longer than I originally imagined it could ever become, but the beauty of sitting with Jesus is that He wants to hear my heart and He doesn’t ever say things can’t be done. He listens well and loves to dream with me.
Right now, the word I keep receiving is surrender. While dreams are beautiful, they can also take you out of reality. Every day, I choose to surrender not only the stone backpack of pain and hurt but also my dreams into the hands of Jesus. In His hands, all things can be made whole. He can restore my heart from brokenness and He can prepare it to meet the fruition of my dreams in a future season. My current prayer is that my dreams wouldn’t become a distraction from my present season. As gorgeous as my mind can make my dreams appear, there is growth to come before the Lord would ever open some of those doors.
The process of surrender brings peace. I have been met with the open arms of my Father when it is hard to let go of the deepest yearnings of my heart. I have wept in His presence when I feel too small or too insignificant. I have cried tears of joy during worship and while reading the promises in His love letter to humanity. The gentleness of the Father is beyond anything I have ever known. He cares so deeply for me and knows me to my core.
All of this can come full circle to peace. Just in the last month alone I have been overwhelmed by the goodness of the Lord and He has invited me into a place of rest for my soul. I am content. I have found serenity. I am walking in joy.
For anyone who doubted the world race, this isn’t a wasted year of my life. If I had to abandon everything or raise twice as much money or spend 5 years away I would do it all over again just to be able to say and truly mean that it is well with my soul.
