How do I feel to be going back out onto the field?
It seems to be the question I’ve gotten asked more so than anything else. Upon reflection, by which I mean going back and mentally rehashing the last year of my life, I’ve come to some self realization about the Race and the role it played in shaping my spiritual walk.
We have been in training for the last week or so in preparation to leave for the field, this time as alumni squad leaders. As I have gained insight about the role of squad leadership, I recognized things from my race that I needed to take back to the Lord and gain new perspective on. I didn’t expect to accept this role and realize how much spiritual immaturity I still need to work through. Thankfully by this point, I’ve learned to hear the Lord’s voice clearly and worked through a large amount of identity issues. There’s more.
In Romans, the writer talks about a renewing of your mind. If you’re at all into grammar like me, you get excited about language and the way things are written. Renewing is a transitive verb which means that it is continuously happening. It would be fair to assume that there isn’t really a defined finish line. While we have breath in our bodies, there is more renewing to be done. I suspect that many things will be uncovered while I am squad leading this year that the Lord wants to renew in me.
Some people ask if this gets old. Isn’t it uncomfortable, all that emotional garbage? There are two answers. Yes, it is almost always wildly uncomfortable. Think of it as an animal shedding its skin. The whole reason that process takes place is because they grow too large and are constricted by something too tight. In order to survive and continue growing, they have to shed their old skin and go through the process of regeneration. To the question “doesn’t it get old,” I say both yes and no. In my flesh, it gets old. Very quickly. Digging into and sitting with pain doesn’t exactly sound like a picnic in the park, but it is necessary in order to find healing and growth. I have seen so much more good fruit come from embracing hard things than from running away from them.
So circling back around to the initial question: How do I feel about going back out onto the field? I feel great. There is a lot of anticipation and excitement. I love discipleship, and I mean I really love discipleship. I love getting to help people unlock parts of their heart they haven’t surrendered to the Lord. I love seeing people have revelations about who Papa is as their Father. I love when the lightbulb turns on and the information in their head finally makes it down to their heart. I love building relationships and learning from people. I love to gain new perspective and understand the world through new lenses. I love that this year is probably going to be the most challenging year of my life to date.
I can look forward and see that the Lord isn’t asking me to be comfortable (and He never was, for that matter). He is asking me to have fierce conversations and speak hard truths in love. He is asking me to surrender what I want for myself in order to serve others. He is asking me to walk humbly and do things that aren’t seen by those around me. Essentially, He isn’t making this about me but rather all about Himself – not because He is selfish or self serving but because He knows that loving me well isn’t putting me in the center of anything but His hands. He is calling me out and calling me higher but also sheltering me from the things in my heart that still need to be refined. He is empowering me to serve others the way He served me first.
Y’all. My Dad wants to teach me how to be like Himself! He wants to show me all the tricks of the trade to loving people really well. He wants to bring me behind the scenes and share His heart and His passion with me. How does He do that? He invites me to spend time with Him. Just to watch Him do things and be in His presence. To walk alongside me as I try to imitate what I’ve seen Him doing. To correct me when, not if, I fail. His motivation for me is love and connection. He wants that with you too. He put all the care into forming you, choosing you, designing who He so perfectly wants you to be.
Did you know He delights in you? I mean I had heard that a million times. You know, fearfully and wonderfully made and “all that jazz.” It took me over 23 years to actually get that. To understand it. To believe that it was true and real and about me. Maybe you’re walking in that identity and fully believing all the things He says are true about you. Maybe you’re like I was a year ago and would rather keep that stuff on a decorative pillow on your couch than let it permeate your heart. If that’s you and you want to know more about what the big deal is, start by asking your Father. Not your earthly dad but your heavenly one. He has things to speak to you and truths that will unlock new things within you. Instead of looking in the mirror for your worth, ask your Creator.
