In month 1 of the race I thought, although dramatically, that I literally might die. Going from the comforts of the suburbs of El Paso to the drastically different terrain and environment of West Africa threw everything in me for a loop. It was new new new. New climate, new culture, new environment, new food, new language, new currency, new modes of transportation, new community, new ministry, new experiences, new E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G.
I had an instant love-hate relationship. I loved the challenge to it all. I loved the adrenaline of not knowing how far I could actually push myself. I loved feeling the rush of numbness by drowning myself in business and my surroundings and ignoring my emotions. On the flip side I hated the emptiness to it. I hated having no control. I hated having no answers and absolutely no means of communication with the outside world. I hated feeling trapped. To know that you physically cannot escape a situation is one of my biggest fears.
Honestly, it all came down to fear. That was at the root of almost every single one of my behaviors. I wanted to control things because I was afraid of what would happen if I had to trust someone else. I wanted to numb my emotions because I was afraid of feeling them. I was afraid of knowing myself and even more afraid of letting others know the real me. My team, Haven, met me with so much grace as I navigated the murky waters of fear and climbed into my little inflatable life raft of courage to press through.
On the race, part of community living is team time. 5 times per week, we come together as a team to spend intentional time together pouring into one another. We all take turns leading team time and planning different activities to do. Team times can be anything from a five minute dance party to a movie night to guided meditation to a cooking class to pouring out the darkest parts of your soul. What makes them fun is the fruit that comes from them and spending time getting to know your race family better.
Back in Cote d’Ivoire, I led a team time about fear. We started with worship, then I had everyone flip open to a new page in their journal and write a statement about what they were afraid of and/or were hesitant on giving to the Lord. My fear statement was “I am afraid of not being wanted/that my purpose isn’t worthy.” After writing these down, we picked a random number and passed our journals around the circle. With someone else’s journal in front of us, we sat with the Lord praying into their fears and asking Him to speak truth. It was a really sweet time together as we sat aware of His presence and voice all the while worshiping and watercoloring or writing in each other’s journals.
My teammate Margaret had my journal. When she handed it back to me, the first thing I saw was a page filled with vibrant shades of green and blue. The Lord spoke to me directly through Marge, and these words have stuck to me since first reading them in month 1. These are the verses she shared:
Psalm 23:1-3
“The Lord is my Shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters.”
Isaiah 43:4-5
“Because you are precious in my eyes and honored, and I love you, I give men in return for you, peoples in exchange for your life. Fear not, for I am with you.”
In listening prayer, the Lord wrote these words to me.
“You are capable and called. I made you like rushing waters, strong, fierce, purposeful, beautiful, grand. You are a force of nature to be reckoned with daughter. I did not put you on this earth to be afraid of your magnificence. I pout you on this earth to walk in it for My Kingdom and My glory. Waters are mighty and strong but also soft and peaceful. They are a multitude of things with a multitude of purposes and uses. Just. Like. You. Be still. Know and trust that I’m leading you My little lamb. I’m taking care of it all. Still waters are still called waters. Slow and steady rivers all flow into the ocean and become strong powerful waves. The time is coming. I love you little girl, trust My timing.”
Y’all. I was shook. The line that jumped out at me then and still does now is “Still waters are still called waters.” Depending on the day, I read it with different emphasis – either on the second “still” or on “called.” The Lord has spoken to me distinctly through flowers, butterflies, and water on the race. I frequently ask Him what kind of water I’m supposed to be for the day or for this season.
Recently, He has peeled back another layer of understanding to show me that it isn’t so much about the kind of water I am to be but the fact that what I am called to be flows from the source of who He is. I don’t need to know in advance what I’m called into because as long as I’m walking in full communion with Him I will be what He wants me to be. I may be metaphorical water, but He is the true source of life – living water.
This blog is titled drowning which would normally imply something unpleasant and fatal. It is both of those things; however, the only thing that is truly drowning and dying in His rivers of living water is my fleshly, sinful nature. The Lord has led me gently into so much obedience, and I have so much further to go, but He is refining me. I am drowning and dying to myself so that I can be fully alive for Him.
