First, this song doesn't have anything to do with the post, but they're a band here in Denver that I LOVE! Hope you enjoy them, too!
I was asked a couple of weeks ago what I’m expecting the Amanda-post-race to look like. I had a hard time elaborating my thought process [as usual].
I guess when it comes down to it, I don’t really know what I’m hoping to be post-race. Maybe I’m expecting to be completely different in many ways, but stay somewhat the same in areas like my personality and my fundamental outlook on life. The good things will just get better, the not-so-good things will be fixed or changed or gotten rid of
I expect in many ways God to reinforce though this trip things he’s been teaching me: patience; his providence; living a vertical-facing lifestyle and knowing that in doing that, all the horizontal things I need will fall into place; the sovereignty of God; et cetera. I think that going on this trip is very much going to be a kind of refiner’s fire for my walk with Christ and how that filters into my life in general.
Let’s see. How do I say this…
I would love to get back to the care-free self I used to be. The biggest thing I want to see changed is how I interact with others. Most people who know me say that I’m easy-going, friendly, a smart-alec, generous, et cetera, but one thing I’m not good at is being vulnerable. For instance, I’m all about asking others how they are doing and making sure that they have an outlet for what’s going on in their lives, but rarely do I allow others to be that for me. And, if I do allow it, it’s only after fighting it for a long time. I used to think that I did that because other’s had more problems in their lives, or because I am really good at internalizing things – which I still think. I want God to break me of that. Being with a small number of people every day for a long amount of time, should be able to do that. When you live that close, you can’t really hide anything. You can’t tell people that you’re ‘fine’ or that ‘nothing is new’ with you. It just doesn’t work that way. But I will try and make that fly. 🙂 Hah. I guess the heart of the matter is that I want to be more vulnerable?
Anyone who knows me knows that I am terrible at that. I fight and fight and fight it. Deep down (very deep down) I don’t want to fight it anymore. But my safety mechanism is broken and I won’t allow myself to fight it. In other words – I’m ridiculously stubborn. For as long as I can remember, I’ve thought on this idea of vulnerability & stubbornness; I blogged about it in 2009, and find that it’s still relevant to my situation at the moment. This is what I wrote
“”I feel like I do not really make “friends” easily, rather I make acquaintances really well, but not “real” friends. That makes me rather sad and I am unsure as to whether this will ever change in my life. I feel as though I have been like this my entire life. I think a lot of this comes from the fact that I do not “spill my guts” easily, or even at all. My lack of vulnerability seems to be rather ridiculous. I know that God doesn’t make us all the same way, but sometimes I wish that I was more vulnerable – easily so. This seems to be the one biggest complaint I have from those I would consider “friends” – that I never share what is going on in my life and I think that because of that they don’t consider me as a friend. I don’t necessarily think that being vulnerable would make my life easier or even better, but I think it would cause me to be a little more able to make “real friends”. But, then I wonder what “real friends” are. Am I not a real friend if I listen to those I consider a friend? I am a pretty dang good listener; I am just not a good talker. I am great at taking in people’s feelings and thoughts and throwing out ideas on what I would do – or not do for that matter. I am not good at being open about what I am thinking or feeling. I would much rather go through my thoughts and feelings by myself and figure things out that way. I have a pretty good grasp – – – I am really just making up excuses.
Why am I not able to be open and vulnerable with people?
- Did I have a bad experience while growing up with family?
- Did I have a bad experience while growing up with friends?
- Was I able to express myself when I was younger?
- When I was open with friends did they use it against me?
- Am I suppressing an old memory that is the root cause?
The truth is, I don’t really know why I am not able to tell people that I know – some that I have known for a while – the things that I think about, dream about, hope for, or wish for. I think I am afraid mostly of how they will use that information against me? I also think that some of it is a control issue – if they know what I am thinking, dreaming, hoping & wishing for, they might take it into their own hands and then I wouldn’t be in control of my own life…hmmm.
So, the next question is:: how do I fix this. How would I go about changing this part of my personality and cultivating myself into a better, more open person. This I don’t know. I am a little nervous to think of what would happen if I were to pray for the ability to be more open and vulnerable and how God would use that and teach me to do just that. I am not sure that I am ready for that… I do not think that I am. I am curious as to what this journey is going to look like for me. Am I going to need to meet with people on a regular basis and ask them to keep me vulnerable or rather help me to be open…that doesn’t seem like it would be rational. I pray that there would be someone who would come to me and help me through this. Someone whom I can trust, who will push me to go deeper to show me the glory and freedom that [I would assume] vulnerability brings. I don’t care if this person is a boy or a girl, I just need someone who will walk with me in this upcoming journey who will show me unconditional love and remind me that I am worthwhile and what I do have to say, and what I go through, is something that is of worth.
Sometimes it’s not the fact that I don’t have anything to be vulnerable about, it’s the fact that I think other people’s problems are more prominent than mine. This often brings me to a point that even if I am struggling with something that is heavy and of which I need prayer for, I refuse to say it. I have often found that it is easier for me to write down what I am feeling/thinking than it is for me to speak it aloud. I am curious as to why that is. Sometimes, even if people clearly ask me what is on my mind, I REFUSE to talk about it. I am also pretty dang good at making it seem like things are always good with me. Sometimes I think I am just the most ridiculous person that I know. So this is me, not quite ready to ask for point-blank change yet, but acknowledging the fact that I know something is not quite kosher with my point of view. Bring me someone who can see through my facade, please.””
So, there you have it. One of my many great dilemmas, one of the number of things I would like to see changed, or refined, or at least explained. There are more, but at this moment, I’m having a hard time thinking of what I’m trying to get at.
