Reflection, Rest & Rejuvenation + Thankful Thursday
As I lay in this hammock, tied to two coconut trees, I am awash by thankfulness.
Right now, all of this seems so surreal and I’m having a hard time comprehending that this is my life, my absolutely blessed life.
Having just finished “Month” 1 of squad leading, I can’t wait to see what this second month holds. By all accounts, this is when squad leading, when the responsibility and authority and magnitude all catch up and fall together in a mashed up heap. And I believe it. It’s when the rubber hits the road, when the going has the penchant to get tough; teams are now alone as teams (or paired together as 2s) – this is when the personalities come out, when people start to become frustrated and annoyed by the little things and if they don’t speak up and address these, if they hold them in, explosions will begin. The pretty presents people have been for so long start to become undone, ribbons become frayed and the wrapping paper starts to get little tears in it.
This past month, with the whole squad together, has felt so simplistic, so easy. Granted there has been hard feedback to give, and there has been mess, but for the duration of it, from the whole of the squad, there has been love, graciousness, and an overwhelming sense of peace, of okay. It’s also been a little on the shallow side. People haven’t completely come out of their shells, haven’t put themselves in vulnerable places to allow the Lord to come in and break them down.
I will say that I’ve been working on that and feel as though I have grown a little in this last month, becoming comfortable addressing them as a squad, having given a talk on our identities as children of God as well as what practicing the presence of the Lord looks like. I’ve been learning to not do everything, and to let other people love me by allowing them to serve me without fighting against them. Apparently dying to myself doesn’t mean loving others well but letting them love me well. I’ve never really done that before – I’ve always been the strong one, the one who fights for others and the one who out-serve others; that’s been my identity for as long as I can remember. Not being that person makes me uncomfortable, takes me out of my comfort zone. But more than that, it also doesn’t let other people bless me. It causes me to be unlovable and place giant hoops for people to have to jump through hoops in order for me to believe that they love me.
That’s hard. To realize that I’ve caused myself to be unlovable. It’s even harder to change the mindset that’s been ever present. But I’m thankful that the Lord is gracious enough to show me how I need to change. To show me that I’ll be ever growing. I’m thankful for team Super Mario, 6 people who started me on this journey of understanding and growth. How fitting that I’m finally learning that lesson more fully in Central America, the place that we ended our race.
Today, I am thankful for each of them: Jenn, Michelle, Ann, Raquel, Francis & Dusty; for all the ways they loved me when I made it hard, for not giving up and for always pushing me and challenging me. Thank you all for loving me so well. Also, I would be remiss if I didn’t also thank Fuego for doing the same things. I’m sure it was more difficult in those first few months to break and crack me. Thanks for all you did to mold me into the woman I am today. Nick, David, Marian, Bea, Michelle: thank you for fighting for me and not allowing me to stay the same person I came into the race as.
As this day of thankfulness comes to an end, I would encourage each of you to thank someone who’s been impactful on your journey today and to express to them how much they mean to you.
Click HERE to view some of my Guatemala pictures. It takes so much time to upload them onto the AIM website, so this is my compromise for you all 🙂 Also, feel free to stalk any of W-Squad on facebook to see their pictures, too!
