Matthew 6:24 "No one can serve two masters. For you will hate one and love the other; you will be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and money."
Matthew 6:25-34 "That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life – whether you have enough food and drink or enough clothes to wear. Isn't life more than food, and your body more than clothing? Look at the birds. they don't plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren't you far more valuable to him than they are? Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don't work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if god cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith? SO don't worry about these things saying, 'What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?' These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavely Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need. So, don't worry abotu tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today's tgrouble is enough for today."
Satuday I learned that a racer on another squad went from $0 to being fully funded in 11 weeks flat. And I was jealous; it was ugly. I have struggled with getting people to support me on this trip, and because I have a deadline in less than 2 weeks, I've been fighting with God that much more about it. I keep telling Him that "it would be so much easier if I were fully funded," or "why can't you just give me the money now so I don't have to deal with all of this chaos." I wouldn't have to fear that God was going to send me home. I wouldn't have to be worried about where it was going to come from or even if it was going to come.
The fully funded story was actually the climax to my jealousy. Being honest: I have $19.65 in my bank account. There's really not even enough money in there to actually withdraw any money from an atm abroad. I had been content with that when I was around people who were frugal about spending money. But, being around a large group people who have money to freely spend on outings and toiletries, dinners and clothes and what ever else they want, it comes up a little more often without people really meaning it to.
"How much better," I think to myself "life would be if I had money to go and spend on what I wanted when I wanted." Or "If I was fully funded, or at least at this deadline I could focus on God so much more and not be nervous." But isn't the point of this trip to focus on God, however he decides for that to work? Wouldn't I rather be begging and pleading for God to show up and work in my life than to think that I don't need him anymore? If I have to rely on God to come through, then that means I'm not relying on myself for those things, and doesn't that then mean that I am focusing on God and being put in my place of getting to see him as my Provider?
I've realized that having to rely on him in this means that my ugly money/jealousy issues have to come up to the surface. You see, I used to think, living in Denver, that I had gotten over money. That I was immune to it's charm and it's willful ways. But, this weekend I was told very bluntly by God that I was not even close to forgetting it. Which in turn meant that I wasn't even close to loving him with my whole heart. There is still a part of my heart, a part that is 3 sizes to big at least, that puts money before God. How horrible is that?!
The beautiful part in all of this is the fact that I get to see God provide for me time and time again. Not buying things for myself allows me to see God bless me with things. Like a shirt. Or gloves. Or a sweet treat. Or money to go and see the Great Wall with my team. I used to see it as a curse, even up until today. I always thought about how not having money to go out and eat dinner with my teammates discourages unity. Which can be true, if I allow myself to stay home and not go out with them. But it could also mean that someone else who has money but doesn't want to go out and eat doesn't have to make a decision to stay home alone. It also puts me into a place of allowing others to bless me, which is a spot where I'm not comfortable being.
Who knew that so much refining would come from lack of money?
