Today would have been my dad's 50th birthday. Ever since losing my dad to cancer 4 years ago, I've struggled with relating to God in that intimate way. This was highlighted to me when Michelle wrote her blog:: Father, Daddy, Papa.
I didn't realize or understand, but over these last 4 years there has been a silent debate in my heart over how to relate to God in the way of Him being my heavenly father, that far away man whom I've never physically seen. The man who I know as provider, sovereign, loving, guiding, and so on, but never truly as Daddy or Papa. After losing my dad, who I called Pops, I just could never figure out what to call God, how to relate to him or how to be intimate with Him.
Losing Pops, what's that's been like personally, how it held me back from a lot, has been a crazy revelation. It's really changed the way I interact with everyone, honestly. It's changed the way I've thought, talked, seen people, but most important, and most scary, is the way it's changed how I let people interact and get close to me. Or how I've not allowed people to get close to me.
On Fuego, Marian always referred to God as Papa. God sure knew what He was doing when he placed us together. I never imagined that He would use her in such an important way. Or the way that he's used other members of that team to guide me in what it means to see myself as a daughter of God ::a woman considered as if in a relationship of child to parent:: And being paired with Michelle has been great as well. She lost her dad in 2007 as well, very suddenly. It's been interesting to see how God orchestrates things and places certain people together. I wouldn't have guessed that there would be another person on my squad, let alone my team that would have lost their dad in the same year, just a few months apart. It's been really good. I have enjoyed spending time with her, and being able to go through things together . Very much so.
There's an episode on Grey's Anatomy where George's dad dies and he and Cristina have a discussion.
CRISTINA: "There's a club. The Dead Dads Club. And you can't be in it until you're in it. You can try to understand, you can sympathize. But until you feel that loss… My dad died when I was nine. George, I'm really sorry you had to join the club.
GEORGE: "I… I don't know how to exist in a world where my dad doesn't."
CRISTINA: "Yeah, that never really changes."
And it's true, it really never changes. You go through periods of ups and downs, trying to understand how you live without a dad that you loved for and cared about, who taught you so many things who was always around and then he's not. I was reading through old blogs that I've written (that no one has ever read) and it just brings me back to where I was when it all happened – everything that I went through and how it affected me and how it's still affecting me in all areas. And what that means with your infinite dad who never leaves you and wants to give you all the best things.
So, it's definitely been an experience figuring out how to get to know God after losing my earthly daddy. It really affected my relationship with God, but I can say that it's finally being throught about and coming back together. God has really been working in my heart and in my life to get me to this place where I can be intimate with Him and love him and relate with him in the best of ways.
So, happy birthday, Pops. Can't wait to see you in Heaven one day. 🙂
