“Remember how the Lord your God led you all the way in the desert these forty years; to humble you and to test you in order to know what was in your heart…He humbled you, causing you to hunger.” Deut. 8:2-3.
“Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations; I will be exalted in the earth! The Lord of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress.” Psalm 46:10-11
God’s been doing a great thing within my heart this week. I’ve been stressing out (mostly) about money, especially in regards to the WR, and different things that I needed to get done. As per usual, God’s been showing me just how faithful he is, at the times when I need it most. I was also stressing about my computer, incoming monies, as well as silent auction stuff.
This week, my computer officially broke – the laptop jack needed to be replaced. I had called a couple of different places to check for pricing and what not. I called one place and they told me $225-250, (ridiculous!). I called another and they didn’t perform that service but gave me the name of another company who did. So, I looked up their website, and then called for an estimate. The man on the phone told me that it would be $119 – which was way more reasonable than the first place I called, and cheaper than any other company (by like $5 – but still, cheaper!) I did a little math after hearing the price and realized that God allowed me, through a few babysitting jobs, to come up with a little over that price. I found a check in my pants pocket from last week for $50, I babysat Sunday night for 20, Tuesday for $25, and Thursday for $30. I also babysat today for $50 (which is another awesome story that I’ll elaborate on in a few).
After getting off the phone with them, I went to Google maps and looked up directions there via the bus. The bus had me on it for an hour, with walking across a large road – which I wasn’t too fond of. I could have done it, but was feeling particularly lazy. I called my friends J&H and they were gracious enough to let me borrow their vehicle to go do so. So, I took my computer down to the store and the guy told me it was going to be $95 – $25 cheaper than I was told over the phone (which held out to be true at time of payment!) That was awesome! But, I did buy a new charger, which put me right around $140 – which is still less than I made from general babysitting this last week and a half 🙂 AND, they got it done the same day! I was able to pick it up with J&H’s van, and make it back in time to babysit for them. It was beautiful to see God work and provide for me in this way.
AND, get this! Regarding the $50 from today – it was for J&H, whose van I borrowed to get my computer fixed. Usually when I watch their kid, they pay me around $25 for a 4 hour day, and $50 for an 80. Well, I watched R for 4 hours – which should have equaled $25. When I borrowed their van, it was low on gas so I put some in it; between all my driving, I put in roughly $25. Not that I was expecting anything (I did not tell them how much I put into their van today. Nor did they ask me when they got home. They just handed me some money, and I didn’t look at it until I got home) but I thought that if they saw I put gas in, that they would maybe give me $10 for it, or whatever, but what was amazing was they just handed me the same amount that I put it! Seriously, it was only through God that they could have reimbursed me that specific amount. It was incredible!
Earlier this week, I was being a little anal about checking my support account (even after I said I wouldn’t…). But I did check it (and multiple times at that). So I was stressing out about that, because it’s been stagnant. At community group, God allayed my fears as he prompted S&K to give me a check. It was a check for $50, which, in light of the amount of money I have to raise, is not to be considered much – but the fact that God timed it perfectly (as usual) was so refreshing and calming.
Also & lastly, I was thinking about Silent Auction stuff – it’s been weighing on my mind heavily, as I realize that the time is disappearing quickly (though I still have a month+ to go). I haven’t gotten a ton of responses yet, because I’ve just emailed requests, as I’ve been waiting on myself to finish my Formal Donation Letter – which I did today, am having it proof-read then sending it into AIM Monday morning to get it put on letterhead. There have been a few places that I’ve contacted that I didn’t write down properly, so I’m not entirely sure who I’ve sent stuff to and who I haven’t, and with whose I’ve included a mailing address and with whose I haven’t. Well, today, in the mail, I received 4 adult passes to the Molly Brown House. Unexpectedly, God allowed for those to be sent to me as a reminder that this is what I’m supposed to be doing. It’s been so reassuring. I’m getting there. It’s a slow process but I believe that “God [has] designed a supernaturally long trail in order to deal with what [is in my] heart.” The Journey of Desire, p. 99.
This week I’ve been more encouraged to pray and to ask God for the desires of my heart, which, at this point in my life, include funds to go on the WR. I’ve been reading John Eldredge’s The Journey of Desire and it’s shaking me to my core. Eldredge, using scriptural support as well as quoting many famous authors from Lewis to MacDonald to Willard to Pascal, is taking me on a journey. A journey of discovery. A journey of passion.
“You see, life comes to all of us as a mystery. We all share the same dilemma – we long for life and we’re not sure where to find it. We wonder if we ever do find it, can we make it last? The longing for life within us seems incongruent with life we find around us. What is available seems at times close to what we want, but never quite a fit. Our days come to us as a riddle, and the answers aren’t handed out with our birth certificates. We must journey to find the life we prize. And the guide we have been given is the desire set deep within, the desire we often overlook or mistake for something else or even choose to ignore.” P. 2
“In the quiet moments of the day we sense a nagging within, a discontent, a hunger for something else. But because we have not solved the riddle of our existence, we assume that something is wrong – not with life, but with us… even while we are doing other things, “getting on with life,” we still have an eye out for the life we really want.” 10-11
While reading this book, I’m find my thoughts drifting to one question: what is my true passion. Honestly, I cannot answer that. It seems that I have buried it or hidden it somewhere. Right now, I am on a journey to find it. If I could do anything I wanted, what would I do. No se. I don’t know. But, I’m not okay with that – I want to know. I need to know. In so many areas of my life, for as long as I can remember, I’ve never been really decisive on what I’m passionate about – even when it comes to things like, ‘what is my favorite color’ or ‘where are you in the mood for eating’ or ‘what population would you like to work with’. I’ve never even really been passionate regarding my feelings/emotions – what I’m feeling, what I want to do with my life, or even in elaborating what I want. It’s ridiculous. It’s also been a lifelong habit – for what reason, I’m not sure. But, I do know that the longer I put off finding what my passions are, the longer I will go without really bringing out the person that God’s made me to be. Truthfully, I think I’ve hidden it so far down that I don’t know how to find it on my own. Maybe that’s what the WR is supposed to help me do – to help me find and develop my true passions and to pursue it with all my heart and soul, faith and desire – not just a tiny portion.
Lord, I wanna yearn for you. I want to burn with PASSION.
