I have a silent auction coming up on Saturday. I've sent out an evite and posted on craigslist and made an event page on facebook. I've also noticed that I've become a little more than obsessed with checking them to see if people have RSVP'd or not. So, I have decided that with God's help (because I can't do it on my own!) that I am not going to look at my evite or facebook event anymore to see if people are coming to my auction or not. I refuse to do so. It will be so much healthier for me if I don't look at them!
I'm also content with the fact that I don't have a lot of auction items. I will do what I can with what I have, but if nothing else comes in, I have to accept that it will be alright. A few days ago, I had this thought that it's not about the items. It's about the people and it's about my heart. God knows where my heart is in this whole process. It's up to Him to give me the words to say to people and for Him to put it on their hearts to support me or to not support me.
I've noticed lately that i get a lot of satisfaction when I am praised for what I've said or what I've done. I'm not in a place right now where I can honestly say that God should get the glory for everything. I rather have the glory for myself than let Him have it. That is something that only He can work in me.
By my own power, I cannot choose, and do not choose to change who I am or how I think. If it were up to me, I would do everything for myself. All the good things I do are usually tinged with my own desire to be noticed or to get ahead or to look good in the eyes of others.
I'm so thankful that even in these times, God loves me and has a plan. He wants the best things for me, even when I don't think that what He sees as "best" really is. I constantly have to remind myself to rest in the fact that He has a plan, a mighty mighty good plan. He can see everything that has, is, and will happen. Not just to me, but to every one. And because of that, I know that He is orchestrating things to be not just good but perfect.
Therefore, I can rest in the fact that support raising isn't working out the way I want it to. Or that the people who are supporting me are the people I thought would support me or that the people who aren't supporting me are the ones I thought would be supporting me. Through it all, the intense trip it's been to get me to where I am now, I find it so overwhelmingly comforting that nothing is a surprise to God. Nothing is an accident. Everything is as it's supposed to be, even when it appears to be chaos, God is utterly and completely in control.
Praise Him for being so full of love and mercy and grace that He is in control and not us. I know that, if I were the one in control, I would be screwed. Hah.
