For 8 straight months, I haven’t seen my friends and family. For 8 straight months, I’ve sat in the unknown of what’s next. For 8 straight months, I’ve packed and unpacked more than you would believe. For 8 straight months, I’ve slept in more beds than I can remember. For 8 straight months, I’ve ridden in countless planes, trains, buses, vans, cars, tap-taps, and tuk-tuks. For 8 straight months, I’ve lived in the same pairs of clothing. For 8 straight months, I’ve literally carried my life on my back. For 8 straight months, I’ve lived in constant community, counting on one hand the amount of times I’ve actually been completely alone. For 8 straight months, the Lord has crushed, pruned, stretched, and molded me. For 8 straight months, I’ve poured out everything I have. For 8 straight months, I’ve wrestled with what the Lord wants to do with my life. For 8 straight months, I’ve been challenged more than I ever have in my life.
I’m tired. I’m drained. I’m empty. I have nothing left. I don’t want to invest in community. I don’t want to go to ministry. I don’t want to pack my stinkin’ bag for the 500th time. I don’t have the energy or motivation to fight. I struggle to stay positive. I struggle to sit in truth. It’s even hard to get out of bed, sometimes. I’m angry and impatient. I’ve become apathetic. Apathetic toward my team, my family, ministry, and even toward the Lord. I feel so heavy, exhausted, and anxious. I’m in the dreaded “B-zone”, the “rut”, the “pit of despair”, whatever you want to name it. Right now kinda stinks and it’s hard and all I want to do is lay in bed all day and not invest. I’ve admittedly let my flesh win. I’ve bottled up emotions that need release and pushed everyone away. I’m running, hard. I don’t know why. I don’t really know what’s going on. I just know that at this rate, I’m about to burst.
We’ve all been here. We’ve all felt the load of life hit us hard as we try to pick up the pieces and keep going. We’ve all experienced something in life that brings us to our knees and all we want to do is give up. All we want is to pout and wallow. It’s isn’t fun. Believe me, I know. But this isn’t what the Lord wants for us. He doesn’t want us to sit in the pit we’ve put ourselves in. He is so good and faithful, guys! I’m going to repeat that again and give it a little more emphasis. He is so good and faithful! Rest in this truth. Rest in the fact that you are loved more than you can understand, by an all-knowing and all-powerful God who knows exactly what you’re going through. He is our Helper, our Friend, and our Comforter.
I am so blessed for community who has helped me see what I can be blind to and to the Lord who constantly meets me exactly where I need Him. I’ve been in a dark place lately and the light was hard to see. I was dining with the enemy instead of the Lord. I was sitting in so much negativity, that I couldn’t remember His goodness. But I’ve graciously been reminded that there is something on the horizon; something big and beautiful. I don’t see it now, but I can CHOOSE to rest in the love of the Father and trust that He will get me out of this headspace. I can CHOOSE to see past the hurt and current mental state and focus on Him. I can CHOOSE hope over fear; life over death; truth over lies. That’s my choice, not something I’m stuck in. I have control over my emotions!
I love my wonderful mentor a lot and this quote is one I continue to be brought back to: “Take the magnifying glass away from the here and now and look at the big picture; the Kingdom.” – Grace
It’s easy to sit in the pit sometimes and lose sight of God’s goodness. It’s easy to become selfish. This world is distracting and hard. That’s okay. Jesus tells us in John 16:33, “In the world, you will have trouble. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” Don’t be surprised or frustrated when things aren’t going the way you plan or want. Be open and flexible, trusting whole-heartedly in the love of the Lord because he loves you a whole lot, guys!
Instead of sitting in negativity any longer, I’ve chosen to begin looking at these last 8 months through a different lens; Kingdom lens. So…
For 8 straight months, I have seen the Lord move in ways I can’t even explain. For 8 straight months, I’ve traveled to different countries, experiencing so many beautiful cultures. For 8 straight months, I have lived with amazing people. For 8 straight months, I’ve shared God’s love with the lost. For 8 straight months, I’ve seen the Lord speak truth. For 8 straight months, I’ve seen salvations and revelations. For 8 straight months, I’ve been living with people who love the Lord so much. For 8 straight months, I’ve been poured into by my team, J church, family, friends, and people I’ve met along the way. For 8 straight months, I’ve partnered with so many amazing ministries, helping and encouraging them in any way I can. For 8 straight months, I have formed deep friendships. For 8 straight months, the Lord has crushed, pruned, stretched, and molded me in such a good way! For 8 straight months, I have sat in intimacy with my Father. For 8 straight months, I’ve been learning what it looks like to rest in the truth that I am a daughter of the Most High King. For 8 straight months, I have been strengthening my toolbelt. For 8 straight months, I have been on this crazy adventure called The World Race and I would NEVER traded it for anything!!!
No matter where you are in life right now, no matter the season, no matter the highs or lows, return to His unfailing love. It changes everything!
I love you all,
~A
