The past couple of months have been very spiritually challenging. I began hard-core support raising, am now half way done with my last semester of nursing school, and just that much closer to leaving for the Race (CRAZY!). As the time approaches, though, my excitement has dwindled. Don’t get me wrong. I’m still super excited to begin this journey and see how God’s going to use me, but my own anxieties have tamed much of that enthusiasm I once had when I initially committed and chose to follow His plan for my life back in October.
Is it wrong of me to have the desire to stay in school a little longer just so I don’t have to say goodbye to my friends and family? Is it bad that I’ve questioned staying because I’m afraid of what’s going to happen? The answer to both of these questions is no, of course not. But, do I really want to take the easy way out?
This is fear talking and I can tell you guys that fear is no fun to have as a friend. For me, fear turns into anxiety and doubts which spirals into asking myself irrational “what if” questions that are strong enough to sway my everyday decisions. Here’s an example: Fear: “What if you stand out and everyone looks at you judgmentally by wearing that?”. Decision: Stay home and enjoy me, myself, and I time. I know that example is a tad extreme, but it can be my reality at times. Fear has a way of controlling me and it can dictate my life if I give it the power to do so.
These “what if” questions have been consuming my mind lately and it has been a bit of an emotional rollercoaster. “What if I get sick or injured on the Race?”, “What if I can’t fit everything I want to take in my bags?”, “What if I don’t meet the fundraising deadlines on time?”, “What if I’m not enjoying my time and want to come home?”, “What if my dog, Luke, passes away while I’m gone?” “What if someone in my family gets sick or dies while I’m away?”, “What if I lose my life doing this?”, “What if my past eating disorder reemerges and I can’t fight back?”, “What if God really isn’t calling me to this?”.
Overwhelming, right?
These questions have been circling inside my mind and for a moment, I was crippled. I literally spent time curled up in bed, crying, and questioning why God would call me to something like this. I was confused and frustrated. If God really wanted me to do this, wouldn’t I be excited? Wouldn’t I be honored to follow Him? Wouldn’t I feel blessed that He has called me of all people to share the Good News all over the world?
It was frustrating because I felt so hopeless. Each day would bring more questions, leaving me doubtful and angry at God. I’ve been on several other international mission trips in my life and have NEVER felt this scared before. So why now?
Navigating through this spiritual battle has been far from easy and I am still fighting some of these fears, but I’ll give you all the scoop on where God’s moving in my life today.
I was listening to one of Matt Chandler’s sermons a few weeks ago called “Fear and Anxiety”. Fitting, right?
(p.s. If you don’t know who this is, please go check him out after you’re done reading this…he’s AMAZING!)
Anyway, God really showed up for me through his sermon and showed me some ever-desirable truths:
- Fear and anxiety were never a part of God’s good design (thanks Adam and Eve) – Genesis 1: 28-31
- We choose to give power to things we feel are valuable to us in this life; i.e. money, shoes, friends, etc. If we’re not careful, we can make our valuables too important and create a path for fear and anxiety to mark our life.
- Fear and anxiety boil down to this one question: “Who is ultimately sovereign over your life?”
- If all your fear is focused on tomorrow, you have no capacity to enjoy life today; so be grateful and be present! – Matthew 6:25
Man, oh man, is this good stuff! After reading and hearing this, God literally changed my heart.
The Old Testament has been a part of the Bible that I glance through, nod, and move on. Rarely have I spent time actually studying the Old Testament or making that my first go-to choice because I find it hard to relate to in the life we live in today more often than not (besides the Psalms and Proverbs). Well, guess where God led me? You got it! Right back to the front half of the Bible. I was reminded of one of my favorite stories in 2 Chronicles 20 where Jehoshaphat cries out to the Lord as a vast army approaches, afraid, knowing he is completely powerless. He calls on the Lord and God prevails, destroying the army at his doorstep. Jehoshaphat’s response to his fear wasn’t to run away or take the easy way out. He sat in prayer and community, asking for God’s deliverance for him and his people. He trusted that God was in control of his life and gave Him the space to do what He does best.
After being reminded of this story, I then asked myself, “Am I really trusting that God has ultimate control over my life like Jehoshaphat did? In all honesty, the answer was no. I was giving my valuables too much power, harboring an environment where Satan could easily turn my fears into doubts about God’s character, which was exactly what he was doing.
Now, I’m not here to tell you that all my fears are gone, but I am beginning to address each of them and am encouraged by the truth that I need only to be still and trust in my heavenly Father! This life is scary and is not meant to be easy. God specifically says that “in this world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” – John 16:33
Peace is what God is blessing me with right now! This season of support raising has been hard and God is showing me where my trust is lacking. I’m excited by how much God has already been growing me this season and am humbled by His power over my life.
This is my heart’s cry:
“God, I am ready to walk fearlessly through this world, having You as my anchor, and trusting in You above all else! Thank you for your deliverance and peace over my life.”
God bless you all,
~A
