The Lord is pushing me to put down these thoughts. The thoughts that I am so scared to face.. so here they are:
I met one of my new friends called Berta the first week we distributed Bibles. Little did I know that I was walking into the house of the invisible friend. She could not stop talking about her partner, her healer, her invisible friend. She pointed to a picture of Jesus on the wall. She then apologized for always crying and she started to cry even more. We listened, listened a little more, and prayer with her. She thanked us and called us her friends.
The next week we distributed Bibles, even though Berta already had a Bible, we had to stop and see her. We walked in and she soon offered us chairs even though she was having trouble walking. She spills stories of her childhood and of course, talks about her invisible friend. With eyes that have held thousands of waterfalls, she told us about how most of her family had died and that she is thankful for her invisible friend. We prayed for her once more and as we were leaving she grabbed my hand and told me that next time we came over she would have food and a drink so that we could cheer together. She continued to tell me how she would have a hard time deciding between her two favorite meats but she said that wine would not be missing. As I let go of her hand and she was still crying, I walked out and my heart sank.
I starred at her door from the outside and realized that this was it for me and my new friend. Its as if I was aware of this horrible reality and she was naive enough to put thought into what she would make for us next time we see her. This broke me in so many ways.
As I walked away my heart got heavier and heavier. It felt as if the things that were hard in my heart were beginning to boil. Why this? why now?
As we drove to our next ministry site, it hit me. All the feelings that I had been so scared of were coming up. About two months ago I lost one of my best friends to cancer. And as I said goodbye to Berta, I realized that I was never able to really say goodbye to my friend. I was there with her, but was not able to verbalize it. So many things left unsaid. And for each mile we drove in this white overpacked van, my regrets grew.
We got to the orphanage and we started to set up our activities and not long after, kids started walking through the door. As they took their seats I asked about their favorite colors and if any of them liked to dance. I went around the room just taking in all of these little eyes and got to these eyes that I won’t ever forget. This little girl dressed in pink looked exactly like my friend. The smile, the eyes, the way her face wrinkles when she laughs, and she laughed at me.. just like my friend did.
I tried to not stare, but I was so drawn to her but also still feeling so broken from all that had happened that day. We sang songs, did crafts and played a good ol’ game of duck duck goose. As we were picking up, I was trying to refresh my mind with everybody’s name and I realized that I did not ask for this girl’s name. I bent down and impressed her with the fact that I remember her favorite color, but I asked for her name. Her name was Ana, just like my friend.
My heart somewhat froze. As the teacher told her to get in line, she got up and rushed to get in line with the rest. As they were leaving, I called her name and said goodbye, she smiled and waved back.
Since then I have been trying to swallow the fact that this isn’t a coincidence. The creator of the universe saw what my heart needed and met me where I was. As I look back on this first month in Panama, I see how the Lord has been showing me my friend again. I saw her. Sitting in a bench with a cane. I saw her in the tears of my new friend Berta as she waved goodbye to me and said she would prepare food next time I saw her. I aw her at the orphanage in the little girl’s eyes.. I saw her in her smile. I see her in the way people laugh at me. I could always count on her thinking I was funny. I saw her on the hospital bed and she had no choice but to hear me sing the wrong lyrics to her favorite songs. I see her in the way people take care of me. I see her in the way people listen to me. I see her when our favorite movies are brought up in conversations. I see her in the lyrics I write. I see her in my dreams, and I don’t want to wake up. I see her in the way my heart longs to travel and see the world. I see her in her parents eyes. I see her in their hearts. I see her in myself.
She encouraged me to write songs, to pursue what my heart wanted, to go live.. even when she couldn’t. Today I am thanking Jesus for the beautiful gift that was a friend like her. I thank Jesus for the memories that she gave me that will last a lifetime. When you meet a friend that cares so deeply about you, you can never bring yourself to regret loving her with everything, even though now it hurts so much. I never want to regret loving people with all I have, no matter how many tears that might cause, I’m in.
Thank you Ana, for pushing me to go live and for being a reflection of how the Lord loves me. You will always be in my heart buddy.
always
always
always
