Life on the Race has been amazing, but not gonna lie, there have been a few areas where I have been struggling. First of all, my church has never put as much of an emphasis on the Holy Spirit like Adventures in Missions does. Most people on my squad are in the same boat, but they have also caught on pretty quickly and have learned how the Lord speaks to them individually. I have always had a hard time hearing God, but it has never bothered me as much as it does now.
My team does ATL, or “Ask The Lord” every Monday and Wednesday morning. This typically includes taking a few minutes to pray and ask Jesus where we should go, who we should talk to, and what He wants us to say. Some people get images of specific objects, people, or places, while I get nothing. Consistently. Sometimes I get random words like “lettuce” and “beads”, but I’m pretty sure that’s not God, and it’s just me. I tend to be very hard on myself, so the past 3 weeks have left me feeling useless, and questioning if I’m even cut out to do this for 9 months.
Everything got a little better last Monday morning. My teammate Nicole could see how much I was struggling and told me that ATL could be whatever I wanted it to be, and even if I didn’t get words or images I could still show people God’s love. This took a weight off of my shoulders, and I spent that morning playing with kids on the playground and trying to talk to them in broken Spanish.
I spent this past Wednesday morning following my team around, still feeling useless. We walked to the mall right next to our base and everyone started talking to the people working at the booths and stores. Madison pulled me aside and said she felt like I was supposed to come with her and talk to a man who was sitting alone on the other side of the mall. She told me to pray to God and ask Him what He wanted me to say to this dude. Immediately my gut told me, “his wife and kids”. But how could that be right? I don’t even know this guy, for all I know he’s not even married. I started feeling nauseous and told Madison I couldn’t do this. But bless her soul, because she was patient with me and gently pulled me along with her and Brandon (our squadmate/translator).
Madison and Brandon immediately started a conversation with the man while I awkwardly stood there, trying not to hurl because I was so nervous. They asked if we could pray for him and if he had any prayer requests. The man told us that we could pray for his family, and my heart skipped a beat. Was I right, or was it just a typical response? Madison was about to pray when she asked him his name, and he responded with “Fabian”. Immediately my eyes welled up with tears and I had to walk away around the corner. Apparently, I was right about praying for his family, and his name was Fabian. Just like my dad.
Brandon and Madison came around the corner and found me sitting on a bench, still crying. They sat next to me and calmed me down, telling me that I do hear the Lord’s voice, just in a different way.
Overall, it was an awkward experience. But I walked away from that conversation blessed, knowing God hears me and is answering my prayers. I still struggle differentiating between what God is telling me and what I am telling myself, but now I know I can hear Him and how. I know it will be a long and bumpy road, but I am so blessed to be surrounded by family who will sit with me in the middle of a mall and lift me up while I cry like a toddler.
