I am a little emotional and this post is too.
You have been warned…
Lately I haven't been communicating well because it's hard to explain what's going on inside me. Pre race Amanda is not so great. I don't know if other racers can testify..but I just feel like a baby. I am fine one minute and crying the next, I am crazy excited, super scared at the same time. When it comes to telling people what I want or need it comes out wrong.
Have you ever heard of the 5 Love Languages? The five love languages are Words of affirmation, Acts of service, Receiving gifts, Quality time, and Physical touch. You can take the test here.. I feel love most when I receive special gifts and when I spend quality time with you. This has never been so clear to me until now when I am 11 days away form leaving everyone that is near and dear to me.
Growing up I have always been an extrovert. I love people and being around lots of them. I get my energy from the crowd, I love to go go go but that's changed lately. Now I want.. no I need quality time. I am a mess because what I really want is sit down with each of my people and talk for an hour or so. I want to spend time with them one on one rather than all at once. I want to have quality conversations, not small talk. I want to pray and be prayed for.
Even though I know God has prepared me for this next year, even though I know there is so much adventure to be had, I know I will miss a lot of people and events this year. I know there will be moments where I wish I hadn't gone. I also know it will be worth it but tonight I am having a tough time.
I think what I am craving is closure. I think deep down I just don't want anyone to think I am abandoning them or that I won't miss them, or that they are not seen. I think I need to hear that I will be missed too and know it's for real.
Nights have been like this recently and I know it's for a reason.
I think God is preparing me for a year filed with rough nights, nights where I crave more. More processing, more quality time, more internet, more money…
I think God is saying I have to be satisfied in him here and on the race. Things, circumstances, ministry, life will always change but He is constant. He never changes. That gives me peace.
In 11 days I am leaving everything to serve for a 11 months and while I am satisfied in him, I am struggling.
#mandyonmission
