"O Lord, you have searched me and known me! You know when I sit down and when I rise up! You discern my thoughts from afar. You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways. Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O Lord, you know it altogether. You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me."
Psalm 139:1-5
This month has been rough. Not the usual kind of rough, though. Things like having 100 bug bites at a time and sleeping in my tent are rough, but that actually feels like normal to me now. We're staying in a church this month with carpet, toilets that flush our toilet paper, and air conditioning! Completely spoiled, I know. This month has been rough because I completely forgot who I am.
The past few months, the Lord has been speaking truth over me. He's been lovingly building my identity, and somehow, I stopped believing it.
It didn't happen overnight, and it wasn't something I even really noticed at first. The enemy started whispering lie after lie to me, and instead of running into the arms of my Daddy and letting Him speak truth to me, I tried to fight them alone. Fighting them alone wasn't working, and I quickly started striving for the approval of other people. I was failing miserably. Before I knew it, I was in a place of darkness.
A few of the girls on my team and I stayed up late one night, talking, laughing, and praying together. They told me to speak truth over myself, and BAM, instant panic. I sat there in silence for way longer than socially acceptable, when finally, one of them said, "It's not bragging or boasting to speak truth over yourself, Amanda. It's truth. It's good to speak it out." She was right, of course, but the issue was that I literally could not think of anything to say. How on earth did I get to this place?
Fast forward a few days, and I'm a hot mess, finally falling at the feet of Jesus. I was hurt and angry about something that was said to me. I ranted to Him about how frustrating I thought it was when people failed to press for depth in relationships, and didn't make an effort to really get to know me.
His response? "Precious daughter, I know you. I know the desires of your heart, the number of hairs on your head, the emotions you are feeling, your thoughts, and your dreams. I know you fully and understand you perfectly. Why do you continually desire to be known by other people when I know you perfectly? No one else will be able to know you as intimately as I do… You were created to know me and to be known by me. Stop searching for the approval of other people."
I unknowingly had replaced an intimate relationship with my Father for less deep relationships with other people. When the people around me would fail, I would be hurt. I was striving and striving to please people and had completely forgotten to rest in the presence of the Lord. No wonder I was in such a funk! Since my relationship with Jesus had taken the backseat, every time someone said something hurtful, I took offense. Being unoffendable had gone out the window, and I quickly let the perceptions that other people had about me become my reality. I had taken off the holy garments the Lord had clothed me in, and put back on the filthy rags of the world.
Thank the Lord that His grace covers all things, and I am no longer in this place anymore! I am still climbing the mountain, and still growing in my identity in Him. This month could be considered a major backslide by worldly standards, but it isn't. I am more firm and confident now in my identity because of this month. I had a tiny taste of what it's like to quit walking in my identity, and I realized that it is something that I never want to do again.
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus…"
Hebrews 12:1-2a
Thank you, Jesus, for community that surrounds me. Thank you for the women you have placed in my life to encourage and uplift me. Thank you for knowing me perfectly and wholly. Thank you for freeing me from sin and the weights that cling to me. Give me endurance to run this race, Lord. I desire to be rooted and established in your love.
