I have been in this incredible struggle for weeks now. I jumped off the edge of a cliff and felt
like I landed in an alternate universe.
My life has changed so dramatically that I have felt completely
lost. I have been struggling to find my
purpose on this trip and to find my place on my team. I have struggled with thoughts that I’m a
crazy fool for even coming on this trip.
So many people have spoken into my life recently. It is interesting to me that these people all
seem to say similar things. People keep
praying for my walls to come down, to rebuke fear, to walk in confidence and
boldness, and to listen for the voice of God and be obedient. Over and over, people pray that I see how
beautiful I am and that I am a princess and a mighty warrior. I have heard several times that I am going to
do amazing things on this trip and that I am going to break down barriers and
reach people that no-one else can reach.
God keeps telling me that I am wise and that I am strong and others keep
confirming this. Whoa…Talk about
pressure!!!! (Evidently this is a good
pressure)
My initial reaction to all of this is to laugh. Who
me? Doesn’t God know who he is talking
about? He certainly can’t be talking
about me. It is so hard for me to
put aside my own view of myself and trade it for God’s view of me. I think that as I begin to learn to do that,
then I will follow the path that he is putting before me. I feel like I’m kind of wandering around lost
and that I keep stumbling on the path, but I never really stay on it for
long. It is difficult for me to receive those
incredibly encouraging words and to believe them.
So I spent some time today just digging into the Word. I read the book of Esther.
Esther 4:14
“For if you remain silent at this time, relief and
deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father’s
family will perish. And who knows but
that you have come to royal position for such a time as this?”
Esther was placed in her high position for a specific
purpose. It was not revealed to her
right away. She had to wait. And then when that purpose was revealed to
her, she had a VERY difficult decision to make.
I feel like God is making me wait and it has been frustrating me. But I have come to realize that I DO have a
purpose and there IS a path for me to walk.
It just isn’t time yet. And when
the time comes, it still won’t be easy. God
is always going to stretch my faith…I might as well get used to it 🙂
I think that God is using this time of waiting and patience to
develop my character and my heart. When I
look at Esther, I see that she rose up because she was obedient, strong in
faith, and strong in character. I keep
seeing myself doing things and I want to put those things into motion. However, God keeps directing me to be quiet
and patient. He keeps directing my focus
back on me and my heart. He keeps
reminding me that he wants my obedience above all. Nothing is possible without obedience. Right now I’m going through a refiner’s fire…it
is necessary to go through it before I am put into place. There are too many walls that need to come
down first.
