John 12: 23-26
Jesus replied, “The hour has come for the Son of Man to be glorified. I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls on the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. The man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life. Whoever serves me must follow me; and where I am, my servant also will be. My father will honor the one who serves me”.
Dead. Dead in identity. Dead to my calling. Dead.
My new friend, Allison, whom I respect tremendously, recently described me this way in her blog. When I first read it, I was totally taken back. I would NEVER have used those words to describe myself. However, the more I think about it, the more true those words seem.
Jesus was talking about his own death in John 12:23-26, but God spoke this to me in reference to what has been happening inside of me for the past 3 weeks or so. I was dead in my identity and in my calling. I was walking around in this life that I made for myself. My view of myself was jacked up to say the least. I have been going through this metamorphosis lately. God is busting down walls and growing me in ways that I never thought possible. God wants me to die to myself so that I can come back to life!!
There were two turning points for me at training camp that watered my seed:
#1- I had this moment one night around a campfire. I learned what God has gifted me with and that I had been using it incorrectly. I prayed with an awesome warrior and she helped me turn a corner to find a type of freedom that I’ve never known before. Really, it was amazing.
#2- God told me how he sees me, and I accepted it for the first time in my life. I was walking through the woods and I asked God, as I was instructed to do, how he sees me. I don’t know what I was expecting, but what I heard BLEW MY MIND!! The first thing he told me was that I was amazing. Then he said BEAUTIFUL, strong, wise, caring, compassionate, and loving. The last three I knew. But the others just blew me away. I would NEVER have thought of myself as amazing. I definitely never saw myself as beautiful. I actually saw myself as the opposite of strong and wise. I argued with God for a while after he told me those things. But He persisted. Then, words spoken over us earlier in the day kept ringing in my ears. I kept hearing, “You are a princess” “You are a daughter of the KING” and stuff like that. Finally, I just began to accept it. I can’t tell you the joy that came from beginning to come in line with God’s view of me!
I think those are the things that cracked the safe inside my heart. My seed was hidden in a safe; locked up for all eternity. Ever since I have returned from camp, God has been busting down the walls of my safe and my seed has started to grow. I feel the “dead” parts of me coming to life slowly. This whole analogy of a plant growing is awesome because that is exactly how I feel. I am growing slowly. I can’t stop it and I am constantly changing, but it isn’t sudden or too fast.
The seed has to die when it is buried. It has to die so that it can begin to grow. When I went to training camp, I was kind of dead. I didn’t realize who I was in Christ. I didn’t fully understand my gifts or my calling, nor did I believe that even had them. I was dead to what God saw in me and what he wanted from me. But now, I’ve been planted in the ground and I am coming to life! God spoke to my heart and told me that I am coming to life in order to produce many seeds!!
