::Thailand:: ::America::
Dream. Reality.
::America:: ::Thailand::
Dream. Reality.
****I haven’t really blogged in a while because I just didn’t have anything wonderful to say. I didn’t want to share my heart because it just isn’t lovely right now. I wrote this about a week ago and I decided to just post it. It isn’t pretty…but it is true******
I know where I have been called to go. I know it with EVERY BONE in my body. When I came back, i was ON FIRE and raring to go. And every day since then, I feel like my fire has died a little. With every day that passes in this American life, I feel my God-given dream slipping further and further away. It feels like another world. It feels like another life. I’ve tasted what life is like when you are doing what you are born to do…and all I want is more of that…..
Sometimes I feel like I’m in the Matrix. Like when I’m in America, I’m in my little pod – hooked up to the cables and unaware of my own prison. Except I am aware. And I know there is another world. I want to take the red pill. I’m sick of sleeping with my eyes open.
It’s like when you find what you were meant to do…you just have to go do it. I’m not living here. I mean, I’m not REALLY living. I’m surviving. I’m moving from task to task. I’m doing what I need to do but I am SOOOO BORED!! And when I get sick of being bored, and I want to go do something – I end up feeling totally stifled because I am not really free….
When Jesus sent his disciples, he sent them two by two. We were never meant to do it alone. Ok…well, I’m alone here. When I go to church to find community of believers who seek the face of the Father…I end up more frustrated than before I went. I go, sing a few songs, listen to people talk, and then go home. I try to find places to give and places to serve….but that mostly includes watching someone else do it and waiting for a moment when I can have a conversation…. My insides want to explode. I feel totally underused. Totally misunderstood. Totally frustrated.
In the past, God has brought me to points of frustration so that I will do something. So what does he want me to do??
GO TO THAILAND!!!
Ok, but I can’t go yet. So what do I do with that???
God keeps speaking to me about living in the moment. Matthew Ch 6 he tells us not to worry about tomorrow. Matthew Ch 10…he tells us to go out and heal the sick, raise the dead, cast out demons, prophesy life and preach the KINGDOM!!!
I’m learning that life is not so much about this magical path to some magical destination that can only be found through massive amounts of prayer and meditation. I am starting to see and believe that life isn’t so much about some distant unattainable goal that I don’t even know about yet…but more about RIGHT NOW. I think Kingdom is not about finding the ONE THING that God has planned for us…but about making the tough decisions in every day life. Saying the hard thing that nobody else will say. Talking to the homeless, dirty man instead of eating lunch. Not choosing to be offended at every little thing. Choosing thankfulness. Choosing joy. Choosing to focus on heavenly things and not earthly things. I think that God is less concerned with how we are “going to be” than he is with who we are right now.
So who am I right now?
Right now, I’m a whiner and a complainer. I’m full of myself and I think that I am so smart. I’ve found freedom. I’ve found a side of Jesus that I never really knew before. And it is empowering. My heart’s desire is to share this…. But I allow judgement to seep in. I am bored in church because I don’t have an outlet to share all of my wonderful knowledge.
I feel like smacking myself in the face right now. Who do I think I am?? Who says I get to have a platform? Who says I need one? All I’m supposed to be doing is loving. Loving God and loving people. And I am full of myself.
How do I stop? How do I figure out how I fit in this American lifestyle? What am I supposed to do? How do I go back to the life the choked the life out of me? Truthfully, I am repulsed by the “American Dream”. The American Dream seems so opposite to the Gospel of the Kingdom. My dreams have become Kingdom Dreams. I could care less about the American Dream…give me the Kingdom Dream. But I’m not living it. I can talk about it all day, but when the rubber meets the road, I don’t know what to do. I’m in limbo at the moment. I’m hanging around in between one world and another. I don’t want to assimilate back into the person I used to be. I don’t want to be of the world. I want to go bring Kingdom. But God just keeps speaking to me about faithfulness. If I’m not being faithful with where I am, then how can he trust me with the nations?
I am not sure what to be faithful in. I am not sure what I’m supposed to give or where. I’m not sure how I’m supposed to do this life in this place…
If you haven’t noticed yet…i’m a little frustrated. Sometimes…around this time of night….when I’ve wasted another whole day sitting around and dreaming about things I could be doing instead of living the life I have to live right now….I just start to feel the frustration in my muscles…it grows and grows. I can feel it twisting and writhing underneath my skin. I want to scream. I want to yell. I want to throw things. I don’t want to fall asleep in this intoxicating culture of wealth. But I just don’t know what to do.
So that’s where I’m at….it isn’t pretty….but it’s true.
……Good News!! I have finally been able to start fundraising for my life in Thailand. My next blog will include more details….
