I’m sitting here with tears in my eyes. My heart is racing and I’m not quite sure how to put all of this emotion into words. But I am going to try.
I am currently freaking out. So many people have talked to me about this, and what they say is all really good wisdomous (my own made up word) advice. But none of it sinks in.
I want it to.
So why won’t it?
I am freaking out because of where God is leading me. He is leading me to a place of surrender. He is, AGAIN, leading me to the edge of the cliff and asking me to jump. I am currently facing a crossroad in my life. I hear God’s voice. He is calling me out….out to the nations. He is calling me to SURRENDER. He is demanding a new level of faith and of trust. Like the disciples, when they left EVERYTHING, he is asking me to turn from my former life and follow him. I am a new creation. I am his kid. He is going to take care of me. I know that.
So why is it so hard?
It is so hard because I know what I’m giving up. See, up to this point, I “surrendered” only my time really. I was still living rather comfortably. I had saved up enough money to do my missions work, but still have extra to play. In my head, I knew I could go back and get a job. I had given away most of my things, but kept my career stuff…in case I ever went back to it. I had surrendered, but I surrendered temporarily. I have lived a life of independence. I know what it is to have my own car, house, and job. I know what it is to work for a living and pay the bills. All of that gives me the “freedom” to go buy what I need. When I am hungry, I go buy more food to feed myself. When I am thirsty, I go find water to drink. I have lived this “comfortable” life where I didn’t need to depend on God for material things. And there is a lot of pride in that. I mean, I can take care of myself. I don’t need anybody. And now, I’m totally dependent on other people. I’m dependent on the body of Christ to help me live out my calling. And the further I go – the more I follow Christ, the more independence I lose. I don’t like it. I like my independence. I like to call the shots in my own life. But God wants me to SURRENDER. The more I listen and obey – the more God WRECKS my life. It is REAL good, but it is also REAL hard.
I know that God is good. I know that He will always provide. I know that as long as I’m walking in obedience, everything will be ok. I also know that my definition of ok and God’s definition are two different things. And when I give my life FULLY to him, then I’m giving up control of it…I’m giving up my definition of okay, and that is pretty scary.
I know that I know that I KNOW that God has called me out. I know that I am following his will for my life. But I am just struggling with so much doubt. What if I heard wrong? What if I am just some crazy person who has lost touch with reality?
Being in the United States has that effect on me. I can be so sure, and then I come back and the daggers of the american lifestyle sink right back into me. I want stuff. I “need” stuff. People ask me when I’m going back to work. People ask me what my plans are. I’ve been called a hippie and a bum. I start to feel so heavy…. I don’t know the answers and I feel like I should have them if so many people are asking. I get this sense that people are waiting for this phase of my life to be over….like wondering when I’m coming back to “real life”. My insides want to scream….THIS IS REAL LIFE. THIS IS NORMAL CHRISTIAN LIVING!!!! I am NOT crazy, nor am I a bum. I am an obedient daughter of the KING and he is smiling on me!!
The thing is…I have NO IDEA what my plans are. All I know is that I hear God calling me to Thailand right now. And I need to go. I need to trust Him and I need to follow what I hear. What I know is that I’ve been called to love. I’ve been called to love unconditionally. I’ve been called to transform others with the love of God. I’ve been called to love the poor, the sick, the diseased, the outcasts. I’ve been called to GO and make disciples. I know that I am following the will of God for my life. And that is all I need to know.
And God will move. He will move in me, He will move in the students, and He will move in Thailand. We will be instruments of his love and glory. Lives will be transformed. I can’t wait to see it!!
Please Pray!
Please pray for me as I am preparing for this next phase of my life. Pray that I will be obedient. Pray that GOD wins this battle in my mind. Pray for God to enlarge my heart. Pray for peace and clarity. Pray for provision. Just PRAY!!!
More about Thailand
This trip to Thailand is a Human Trafficking trip. We will be working to combat Human Trafficking in practical ways. We can’t all go storming in to rescue slaves. A lot of what we will be doing is prevention. The first part of the trip will be in remote villages. The poverty in those remote villages is what drives people to selling themselves or others. These are the areas where children are at high risk for being trafficked and so that is where we are going. We will bring Jesus to the villagers and work with children to show them how much Jesus loves them. Then, we will be moving to an orphanage called Remember Nhu where children live who are at risk for being trafficked or who have been trafficked. And finally, we will be going to Phuket and working with SHE. We will march into the darkness of the red-light district, bringing the light of Jesus to the prostitutes who have chosen this lifestyle.
I have been completely convicted by God lately that HALF the world’s population is CHILDREN. When we reach the children…when they REALLY get it….not only are their little lives changed, but the lives of countless others as they bravely march forth as soldiers for Christ. It is the CHILDREN who will change a nation and so it is an honor and a privilege to go love on these children and tell them who they are and what they are worth!!!
I need your help
I am still in need of about $1600 in support for this trip. I have a little less than three weeks to get it all in before I go. PLEASE pray about supporting me in whatever way you can!!
PRAISE GOD!! Since my last blog, $250 in support has come in!!! Thank you to those who have given!!!
