Month two… I still don’t know what I am waiting for. For God to show up in this crazy super natural way. Not that He isn’t capable of that, but I have my doubts. I guess I am hoping that He will swoop down and I will be speaking in tongues tomorrow and will be shouting prophetic words over everyone I see while passing them on the street. Not that that can’t happen… but how likely is it?
During some ATL (ask the Lord) time last month, Father was revealing to me that I need to break down some serious walls in my heart in order to get as close to him and my team as I am desiring. After a night of active listening from God during our team time, we were each given words from God for each other. We did this blindly, not knowing who we were speaking truth to, for five rotations, so that each of us had five different words from the Lord. The five shared with me were –
Surrender
Estes Park / Mountain town during fall
Heartache
A painted geisha
A cartoon adventure through jungle brush
They all spoke to me with such power, and in such unique ways. Surrender, heartache, and a painted geisha all bring to light these walls within my heart that I am aware of, but don’t know how to strip them down because I don’t know what they consist of.
During a second, blind ATL I was given three more truths –
Bright eyes that take everything in… a thirst that is pleasing to the Lord.
A collection of ingredients to cook dinner, but one essential piece is missing.
The image of chaos, like the bad parts of circus… scary clowns, a jack-in-the-box…
All of these are applicable to my life, right now. I am so hungry for more of what Jesus has promised for me, yet there is something that is missing. Those walls need to come down. And I want them down now, so that I can get closer to my team and to God – now. I want all of the promises of gifts and confidence and power and love and joy… and I am struggling with the disconnect I feel from all of that.
I have been praying for God to reveal what my walls are made of, so that I can work on tearing them down. Worship has been pulling me into this sweet place with Father, and he has slowly been revealing what is holding me back and it scares me. It is a part of my past that my flesh is not ready to get rid of, especially with satan in the back of my mind whispering lies to me about my self-worth. Jesus then straight up told me what is taking my voice and confidence away, and the enemy is using that to pull me further from my freedom. I am lacking in my faith that God is going to fulfill his promise to intercede when I open my mouth and don’t know what to say. I am scared of falling on my face. I know that the Holy Spirit says he will be there, I have just honestly been struggling with truly believing it and trusting the Word.
When I finally shared this part of my heart with my team I was re-broken in a new and different way to old wounds that I thought had been healed. All of the RADIANT women on my team spoke some beautiful wisdom and reassurance about who I am, and what I look like in this body of Christ. That I have so much to offer to the body, and that my walk has already been laid out my God. He is protecting me and walking ahead of me.
Katlyn on my team gave me this b.e.a.utiful image that night of what God had given her for me, before I had shared what was on my heart.
She pictured a giant, multi tiered cake with a little green gift on the top. I was trying so hard to get to the top of the cake that I was stomping all over it, attempting to climb to the present that I saw and wanted so badly. I needed to slow way down to enjoy the cake that was around me, because it is obviously sweet, and that I will get to the gift in my right time. This was so good to hear! The apparent reason being that I was climbing up cake… which is awesome. The next being that this is exactly what I am going through in my heart. I am striving so hard to get to this constant sweet place with Jesus, and this middle process phase is hard for me to sit in. So as of now, I am going to enjoy eating this cake, because I will get to my green gift when Jesus wants me to get to my green gift.
….Good thing it’s a delicious chocolate cake….
