How was my trip?

 

I am sitting at the kitchen table in the dawn light with the cold metal bar of the handmade table beneath my feet and the hot cocoa wafting into my nose with my bible sprawled open wide beneath my face praying that God turn these insecurities into a passion and a hunger… I would put the pages in my mouth if that would purify me.

                  

I am sitting in the Transnistrian church watching the seasons change before my eyes as the colorful leaves have fallen, littering the paths now covered in frost, and feeling the weight of those chains gripping tighter in my chest and the lies sneaking back in to tell me I am not doing enough, I am not worthy enough of the gifts that I have started to discover in the Word, the ones that are promised to His children, yet I still don’t fit in that category for some reason that must be my fault.

     
 

I am now singing freely with my arms out stretched on the top of a mountain in the Himalayan Range, on the top of a roof in Thamel with the birds swimming in freedom around me, shouting to my God with a voice of triumph, singing to my Father with the voice that he has so newly awoken and activated within me, deepening my recognition that He truly is in control and He truly will fill my mouth when I open it in faith.

     

I am now curled up tight in the dark corner of the room listening to my teammates worship and sing to my Lord, but with my head in my hands, knees to my chest and tears on the floor, feeling so distant from myself and from Jesus, as I am humbled harder than ever before with the classic realization that I am exactly like those annoying, sinful, and pride filled Israelites that God so desperately loves and cares for, wanting to do nothing but crawl to His thrown and beg for forgiveness in my shame, all while being comforted in his grace.

     

I am now laying alone on my slowly deflating air mattress, not knowing where the leak is, and feeling my heart do the same, as the chains of people pleasing are gripping tightly around me, yet feeling the resistance that my spirit fights in because I know in my head that prayer is the only thing I can do to unify this team and to fill our cups, but my body says no – so out of faith and faith alone I cry out to my sweet Jesus for strength and for a bit more air and cushion beneath me in this hot hot African climate.

     

I am resting on the porch, watching the thick, rich and gray thunderstorm roll across the Rwandan mountains, feeling the rain’s mist and being calmed in the presence of the Holy Spirit as he speaks sweet confirmation to my spirit that I do hear His voice, that I am His chosen little girl, and that He does desire to guide me – like a blue flag waving peacefully in the wind, I am grounded in His truth, yet allowing his Spirit to push and pull me wherever he pleases, so the chains of fear and rejection are loosened, and a grip of righteousness is introduced again.

     

I am lounging in the dark yet, cheering living room of our intimate house soaking in the joy of the Lord who has literally saturated each team member’s heart with His favor and preference for one another, and without the numbing affects of electronics, we sit around a lantern, laughing at the old memories and dreaming together about the beautiful and heavenly futures each of us are a part of, and my heart immerses itself into a wholesome joy and peace.

     

I am sitting with my legs stretched before me, and the ocean stretched before them, gazing in amazement at the scene set before my eyes reminding me solely of my Creator’s eternal, majestic and powerful characteristics as I am overcome with the vastness in the ocean and sky before my significant self, all while words of belonging are being spoken into my heart.

     

I am stepping up a ladder into a wooden house held up on stilts to find 30 pairs of hungry brown eyes all staring and waiting for our arrival, waiting eagerly, careful not to miss a thing that comes from us, verbally or physically because they are so keen to what it is we share, Who’s name we come under, and what love we have for them and again the significance, the worth of this calling, and the belonging in this very moment are wrapping themselves around my heart and righteousness is singing above them all.

     

I am running, one leg before the other, sweating more than I have in months with the goal that I have set before myself, partaking in the gift that my Lord has given me to connect with him physically in the way that I so eagerly have desired to over this year but have not been able to, yet here I am, still fighting the lies of selfishness to indulge in this good gift, but recognizing and rebuking that nonsense and actively filling that void with the truth that I am worthy of such gifts, and that I am worthy to be a light bearer in a dark place and that my literal presence in a place ushers in the Spirit of the Lord, bringing joy and peace to those around me, so yet again, belonging and righteousness become entangled around my core.

     

 
I am washing dishes, cleaning tables, wrapping silverware, doing and feeling affective in this last set ministry, searching to find and feel the rest promised by the Lord while the enemy's fiery arrows of worry, doubt and specifically fear are thrown my direction, I am given the opportunity to choose self pity, defeat and unbelief or this gift to grow and bring glory to my God's name, and without hesitation in my spirit my faith is tested harder than ever before but is not shaken as it is based solely on sound truth, which is now ringing truer than I've ever heard and I feel a peace that transcends all of my understanding, pulsing through my veins while the sweet love song that Jesus himself sings over me every day has become more recognizable making the giant questions marks about the nearing 'tomorrow' seem so insignificant compared to this harmony of love that I hear, and I am assured and reminded in all creation around me that I belong and that I am chosen – as He who promises is faithful. 

     

I am leaving on a plane soon, saying “I’ll see you laters” to some of the most beautiful, Christ like people I have ever known, feeling peace in my heart with the kingdom bringing that is going to come out of a squad with this passion, while I am knowing freedom in a way I have never experienced before as rejection, expectation, obsession and compulsion, unworthiness and fear are no longer chained around my heart. No – I have a new master. Sin I am no longer yours, no I have become a slave to righteousness and righteousness alone and in this enslavement, I have never felt more free… more free to be who I am created to be.