When I started High School all i wanted was to fit in!
My idea of fitting in wasnt really what my parents wanted for me.
I rebelled.
I was the oldest so they were the strickest on me. Everything in me found a way to sneak away or get away with what they directed me not to do.
Lets just say. I was grounded ALOT. haha.
[ 16 years old. i thought i knew what i wanted. and i thought i was an adult.]
lets back track just for a sec,
Before i started acting like a lunatic. I was brought up in christian home, went to church, and was involved in youth group. I accepted jesus into my heart at 11. i was a good kid. did my homework, brushed my teeth, did what my parents told me. i was raised in a good home. I just never knew what it meant to allow jesus to live through me. something just snapped in me at 16.
Well before i went looney, i agreed to go on a mission trip with my grandfather. but at this point, i didnt want anything to do with church and definitly not my grandparents.
I refused to go!
Well grandpap, He wasnt having it! If i didnt go i would have to pay him back. Well, my little tail didnt have that kind of money…. so i was going.
I made it up in my mind that i was not going to have a good time.
I hardened my heart and was going to be the biggest brat there!
that my friends didnt last too long. the moment i got on that airplane i was having a blast. God was already at work!
We stayed at an orphanage and i fell in love with everything there
– the kids
– the ministry
– the people
– the place
by the end of the week during my quiet time. [ i think this might have been my first one ever] i was looking up at the stars [ i never saw the sky like that] and completely broke! I knew this is something i wanted for ever. to love and to serve . and just do "jesus stuff"
i was so into it-i signed up for two more mission trips that summer
then the next summer another one. i really really loved it.
– Now, i wish i could tell you i stayed mission minded for the past 8 years… its like i kinda did, but in a round about way… but not the way i knew i should have been. i had a boyfriend and was more concerned when i was going to see him next or go to the beach… prom.. cars. you know
a teenage life.
– i went off to college after i graduated… ended up at liberty university.. i had no idea that it was even a baptist college. never even heard of jerry fawell . i picked it on a whim. just wanted to get away. liberty taught me so much about who god was. i had two amazing roommates that really showed me how to live a christian life. i grew 
at liberty we had a "missions emphasis week" my heart would race everytime the missionaries talked with us. i just knew it was something i wanted but just never surrendered to it. my junior year i found myself on my face at the end of one of the services. i finally stood up and walked down to the front of the alter and gave my life to missions. i had no idea what i was doing, but it was the only thing that would make my heart calm down. when i was on my face, i just knew thats where i was supposed to be. i was on a spiritual high for about 2 weeks after that but slowly it went away and i got a relationship and school … i didnt want to do anything long term. just short term . life was just too great to give up. i wanted to marry the boy i was dating, and i wasnt sure if he was called to missions. so i just gave it up. short term missions was good enough. but, in the back of my mind i knew i was called to more long term. i just didnt want to admit it. i made every excuse in the book to stay. i remember having conversations with god about reasons why i shouldnt give it all up or reasons i needed to stay. im silly for ever thinking to try and convince god that i needed to first satisfy me.. then him. …
– So, my life takes this major turn, that boy , [ we broke up] school, [ i didnt know what i wanted, dropped out] … then, my friend sean invited me to go on a mission trip to the dominican republic. it was crazy last minute, one of the kids got sick and couldnt go, and they needed someone to fill the space. i packed and left within 9 hrs.
* there is a pattern here that always takes me forever to realize. everytime my life goes nuts and i try to do my own thing, God gets me on the mission field. you would think by now i would just get it*
– i get to the DR and i was in so much peace. that same brokeness and love for missions filled my heart. i met a boy my age there, he lived there, HE WAS A MISSIONARY and WAS MY AGE! i was like okay. if this kid can do it. i certainly can.
– i came back. Got right back into the grove of things. Started a new school, hung out with friends, worked alot. i convinced myself again long term maybe… like when im 30.
Still, choosing to hold onto life here in the u.s.
Im great at making excuses…
I just kept pushing it and pushing it away. My mind never let it go though. It was always this battle inside myself.. hey god, i know what i am doing so im not going yet. wait on me. ill go when im ready. .. its like i was fighting him. everyday. i was never at peace.
i did this for almost 2 years.
so i finished up school and still decided to stay.. when i knew i should have left.
OoOoO not a good idea,
this is what happens when you do something you know your not supposed to be doing
– lose my job [quit]
– get hired somewhere new [get fired]
– put in 21 applications [ no job]
– cant pay bills
– have to move back home. [ last thing i ever wanted to do]
– so im like OKAY, god, IM LISTENING NOW!!!
WHAT?!?!
– i go to sleep, wake up that next morning still totally confused. My friend makes breakfast for me because she hears i have no money. during breakfast im spilling everything on her. She is amazing and listened to just everything… by the end of our meal a casual conversation comes up about her brother…
we stalk him on facebook
he is a missionary
DING DING DING haha – thats it. from a video on facebook. ahhh! MISSIONS!!!!
my heart starts racing, its like everything just made sense.
– while im driving home im yelling at God the entire way…
Okay, i get it! Where ? How?
! if this is what you want slap me in the face with it.!
– i get to my house , walk in my room, and look at my stuff. I didnt want any of it.
" take it God, take it all, just send me"
I call 2 people, Meredith Bauguess and Crystal George.
< the most inspiring and wise christian girls i know.
– now mere, she is practical… if anyone was going to knock some sense into me it was her!
[ b asically i was looking for another excuse… nope huh uh not this time]..
she knew it was for me too.
– & crystal. she just is so { well if you could mix [ inspiring, wise, unique, and exciting] and come up with a word that would be her} we chat, im going 100 miles a minute. and she was like hey why dont you just come over haha.
im telling her my heart, how i just dont want anything .. and im just like
i dont know where to look dont know whats next…
she says " i got it"…. THE WORLD RACE!
i look it up. and every place i have ever thought about going was every place on this trip. my heart is racing so hard, my whole body was just … uncontainable.
i apply right there.
got a call the next day
interviewed the day after
got accepted.
i have more peace than anyone could imagine. i know this is my life calling. im estatic. and cant wait for what is next.
Send me
Move me
Take me.
*
i want nothing more than to have nothing but everything to be in the
will of God.
"… go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me " matthew 19:20-21
