—An effort to share what’s happening next in this life of mine—
A year after leaving home. Two months after landing back in America. And I am telling the story of my undoing. It won’t ever be finished. At least not until I meet Him face to face. But even Moses kept going and growing after that happened.
Here I am. Pounding away on a keyboard in effort to share of how much He has done in the past year. Of how much joy I have when I think of T squad, of where I spent the past year and of all the people I met.
God is unraveling me. Sometimes it’s with my hands wide open, whispers losing hesitancy as I begin to yell , “Papa, I need you. More of you.”
Other times, it is a painful movement as I am being broken, poured out and filled up. Just as Eustace had his scales peeled back in “The Voyage of the Dawn Treader”, I can recognize the healing work God has done and is doing.
And He keeps telling me how much more Undone He has for me.
It was easier to read the blogs of others before I reached this point in my own life and think, “Wow, they have gone through the ugly. On the other side they are learning that though the ugly is there, He is transforming the beauty that exists within it.”
I am realizing with much more earnestness and bittersweet melody that I am in the ugly. And it has mixed with the beauty He designs. Some of it happened before this past year, but it is the journey of the past 13 months that has carried out the intrigue of my heart to search for more… More of what He has planned. More of who He is. More of who I am because of Him.
I am ruined for the life I had before this year.
I am not saying that I am bigger or better than the life I had before. So please do not misunderstand. I am saying that the growth I experienced as His child is far beyond the person I was and I am never going back.
He has helped me to abandon so much. With a nurturing hand, many hard words, swirls of grace and deep laughter at my attempts to keep up or even get ahead of Him. He has guided my undoing.
I cannot give the Race credit. It all belongs to Papa. The way it should be. I refuse to glorify the year or the Race. But instead can only express gratitude and deep satisfaction to know that the Lord wanted to use it in my life. He walked me in and through the long months of heat, up many mountains and sat with me through so many long days (literally and figuratively on all accounts). He showed me more than I ever thought possible and used me in some of it (Mind still blown).
The unraveling I reveled in this year will never be finished. In many ways, it is just beginning.
T squad arrived home at the end of May. All tired, older and ready in some ways. Completely unprepared in others. Our clothes were worn out, like we were. Our hair was different from when we left in July 2013, and our skin touched with new scars. My scars come from a belt buckle (odd story) and ringworm. We had lice, diarrhea, sinus infections and dehydration. Our packs were covered in dust and might still be. We celebrated that we only had to pick them up a few more times as we all split off to go our separate ways.
Fast forward to now… I now know I will be picking up my pack a few more times.
I leave this September, venturing back out with the next generation of Racers as an alumni leader. For five months, I will do life alongside 41 others in Haiti, Bolivia, Peru, Ecuador and Malawi.
When I first heard the Lord speak about this… I basically told Him no. I was in China, in my final month of the race, and I was ready to be done. Reluctantly, I began to process through what life could look like if I said yes and also would it could look like if I said no.
I would rather say, “Yes” to God.
Yes to more of the beautifully transformed ugly.
I am now in Lynchburg for the month of August. God blessed me with employment back in the hospital – limbo RN back with my night shift crew. I traveled the majority of this summer, reuniting with family, friends and many of my squad mates from T squad. I have been blessed with friends willing to let me have their guest rooms. And recently, I met my squad and one of my amazing co-leaders.
My squad, J Squad 3rd Generation blew me away at training camp. God has ignited a fire in them. They have a desire to know Him that encourages me so much.
My time at training camp started with so much fear.
But God…
So many good things start with “But God”.
But God showed up in my heart in a huge way.
Fear of failure be gone.
Jesus.
It was a week of pouring out. More importantly, it was a week that He poured in. The week was tiring, yet He supplied everything we as staff and trainers needed. It is forever a week filled with sweetness in my mind.
I am beyond amazed that I have been entrusted with this. That this is my life.
More unraveling. In my life and J squad.
We want it. We want to be Undone.
It is with my hands wide open, whispers losing hesitancy that I begin to yell , “Papa, I need you. More of you.”
For those of you that continue to follow my randomly written musings, thank you. This blog will continue as I go back out. Keep reading.
Keep praying.
I am looking for prayer partners to send specific prayer requests to. If you would like to partner with me in this way, send me a message and I’ll include you on frequent updates while I travel.
I am also looking for people to partner with me in financial support. I need to raise $6500 this go round. $3500 will let me travel with my squad for the first 5 months. The remaining $3000 needs to be raised NLT February so that I may travel back out to two debriefs with J Squad. Again, message me if you would like to help at all.
Please lift J squad and the 6 other September squads up in prayer. J squad has already been experiencing many evidences of spiritual warfare since training camp ended as friends and family are facing illnesses, deaths and financial difficulties. We also have many that need help on their financial deadlines for launch.
