The last blog brings you roughly up to yesterday – May 10th.
I was out at a local starbucks when I realized I had a missed call and listened to the voicemail. I called the person back and was soon talking to Kacie, a mobilizer for the world race (WR). She mentioned that my name was on a list to ask about switching squads.
Now two weeks ago, everyone on S squad (my squad) and R squad was e-mailed to consider switching to a sister squad with less racers to balance out the numbers. Essentially moving racers from squads with 65+ to squads with less than 50 people. I read the email and quite honestly ignored it. I didn’t want to move squads. I wanted to go to Central America. I grew up in Europe [pardon the selfish sentiment – it is irrational when considering that the European country possibilities are not even countries I have been to, nor have I ever lived in Europe with the intention of sharing the Gospel on the day to day].
I will tell you this though – I told God if he wanted me to move, it needed to be clear. But it was not clear enough yet. Yesterday’s phone call probably helped that notion out a little bit.
When I first decided upon S squad, God had pretty much been silent about which squad to be a part of, the only country I know I am supposed to go to is India, and when the routes were released, it was confirmed by the fact that India is on all of the routes. I recognized that God had asked me to simply go, not to go on any specific route and chose S Squad’s route because it went to Central America (where I could experience some of what my closest friends love about those cultures, and I have never been there). It also goes to the Philippines. Ever since I saw this picture on a dear friend's site from her years there– I have wanted to go.
Another great friend is a teacher in Kenya and S squad would be that region for three months. And I would finish in Africa, making it easier if God “called” me back to the Congo for a season at the end of 11 months. It was so clear God had this route open for me to choose and I worked through it in my mind. I told myself, the countries could change at any time and was completely okay with it.
S squad began filling up quickly. And I watched as our numbers continued to swell and I had a sinking feeling surging with it. So many of us. I have no doubt that the Lord would work in a group that size, but I also could not help looking at the smaller squads slowly adding members and think about how close knit they would be. The squad will be my family for a year and I looked at the group of 70+ and thought about how difficult it could be to truly know everyone [I know it’s possible – but like I said – I have irrational selfish sentiments at times]. And I also recognized that my lack of facebook probably was not helping the nagging feeling that I would essentially be the new kid to the group at Training Camp.
All of this was pushed to the back of my mind until yesterday’s phone call. I asked Kacie for a few hours to pray about it and talk to family and friends. With a couple of phone calls, and a few conversations via text with some trusted wise people, I shut everything down for an hour or so. And I found myself meditating on Hebrews 11. Hebrews 11:8 is the same verse I have written down when I chose my first squad.
And He went out, not knowing wither he went.
Some of the conversations I had yesterday
{{Praying for wisdom in your decision. What are your thoughts on it?
I’m thinking it really doesn’t matter which countries I go to.
The obedience falls in because I’m going.
He never asked me to go on a specific route – only to go.
[And He told me I’m going to India, but that’s on all four routes]
Exactly. I love that spirit of obedience.}}
{{Do you have an inclination of which you’d prefer?
Before I was confident I was on the right route.
Now, I am not so sure. And I also don’t know if it really matters.
Yeah, that’s sorta tough. I’m sure you know this,
but if you’re desiring after God then, it’s not like one option is right
and one is wrong…
…If that makes any sense.
Yeah, that’s why I don’t think it matters.
He wants me on the trip. It doesn’t matter which countries
yeah. For some reason, it’s harder to make decisions
when they don’t seem to matter. I’ll pray.}}
I soon began to find myself searching through the country lists again. And looking at the pictures of possible future squad mates. Praying all the while. The change was right, but I now had to choose which squad. Prepared to call Kacie back and tell her T squad, I read through Hebrews 11:8-10 again. Would it really even matter?
By faith Abraham obeyed when he was called to go out to a place that he was to receive as an inheritance. And he went out, not knowing where he was going. By faith he went to live in the land of promise, as in a foreign land, living in tents with Isaac and Jacob, heirs with him of the same promise. For he was looking forward to the city that has foundations, whose designer and builder is God.
I called Kacie and told her to switch me. I told her a little bit of the thought process of how it didn’t really matter. I do not think she bought it. But I think that is because sometimes – my mind tries to stop my faith from moving forward. I told her my first inclination was T squad. But that it really didn’t matter which one (Q or T squad) because no matter what, I am already where the Lord wants me in this season. She needed more people on Q squad but after a minute or so of asking how I really was about it, Kacie made the choice. My voice must have been speaking more from the shaky doubts of my mind, even with the growing resolution of my faith because even Kacie started to not sound so sure too. But at the end, she made the push forward that I needed. “I think you’re supposed to be on T squad. I’ll send you an email with the facebook link and other details…”
I breathed a sigh of relief – it may have been a copout to make Kacie have the final say. But the growing steadiness that has come over the past 20 hours I believe would have come simply by allowing God to direct me like Abraham.
I went to bed shortly after the phone call, in preparation for work last night and thanked God for the later shift because I slept fairly poorly. Blame it on the lawn mowers outside or on the fact that I am anxious excited that already God has done so much in my heart in this process. I woke up around 730, much too early for my shift that would not begin until 11p. Restless, I struck out for a coffee shop and read and wrote and drank caffeine. Around 930, I got a phone call asking me if I wanted to be on call. With so much processing in my mind and heart, I am convinced this was a gift from God and thanked him as I accepted the offer. I spent last night watching a movie from my childhood with a goofy group of friends and later slipped off to bed with the knowledge that no matter the movement in my life, God is here, in both the big and little things.
T squad – I’ll see you at camp, reppin’ the orange.
To S squad – I’ll continue praying for you guys and I hope to meet you all at camp.
Also – as I let people know of my decision yesterday – it was confirmed over and over.
My older sister told me that from the beginning she felt like I was supposed to go to Europe and I remembered her telling me that back in the fall.
I recalled a conversation with an acquaintance that a Jillian Paul is going on the WR in July like me. She’s on a different squad, I said. And this person told me that we were going on the same squad. Given the joking manner that Brian said it, I don’t think he was truly tuned into a prophetic vision, but you never know. [to Jillian – apparently we ran in a few similar circles at LU, because so many people ask if I know you when I mention the WR]
