The number one question I receive at work aside from, “Is it time for my pain medicine?” is this: “Are you married?” [Even from coworkers after working together for months – but it's said with a more incredulous feel – because they assumed I already was… then they try to set me up with their single 20-something son]
I wear no ring, but I suppose in my profession, one that requires the donning of rubber gloves often and frequent washing of hands, it is a reasonable assumption that I may just not be wearing my ring.
The answer of “no, I’m single”, is often met with a floundering one of three responses.
One: “Well, you’re young, you have plenty of time”
(phew… that’s reassuring… Wait, plenty of time until what? What is going to happen? PLENTY OF TIME UNTIL WHAT? Gah!!!!)
Two: “It’ll happen soon. You’ve got a good head on your shoulders”
(Prophesy? What do you know that I don’t? Oh and good head on my shoulders? Why because I can give you medications, wear a name badge and can multitask during a 12 hour shift? I’ll tell my mom and dad they did a good job.)
Three: “Good for you. Keep it that way. Life is so much simpler… [trails off into various reasons]…”
(This response comes most frequently from older women. And it always makes me curious as to how their life stories have played out. It also makes me wonder if they have spent their lives thinking the grass is greener. Or that being single is simple. Such a very interesting concept)
All three responses warrant a chuckle from me and on my best days (or if you’re the first patient to have asked me in my shift) I might respond with a comment of “when and if God blesses me with someone, I’m sure He’ll let me know”.
On my worst days (or if you’re the fifth of six or seven patients to ask), you might get a sarcastic response or no real response at all. “Can you wiggle your toes from me, take in a couple of deep breaths… [Your nurse is ending this part of the conversation by moving on from your response into her assessment].
Now, I am fully aware of the fact that I am single. No question from a patient needs to tell me that. But in my 24 years of living, I have never been made so aware of it than in the past year. I guess it could have something to do with that fact that I managed the incredible. I graduated from a Christian university without a ring on my left ring finger.
[Reader – I know, you’re shocked. But I promise you. I’m well. Alive, still breathing. And yes, I even enjoy my life.]
When I’m not at work, I’m sleeping, reading, writing, hanging out with friends, and chilling with people from my church or youth group. For a while I was the only single one in my life group. And sometimes it was interesting. For a while, I was the only single youth leader in the whole leadership team. And I was made the prize during a Valentine's game. Once John turns 18, it will be socially legally acceptable for him to claim me.
And yet in all of these situations – I do not tend to notice it. I have been single all my life. How would I notice it? But other people do. And it has in comments and conversations that I realize how strange it must be to fathom or understand singleness for some people.
And this weekend I was reminded again, but in a way I do not know that I could have guessed. This weekend I helped with our high school girls youth retreat. For two days and nights we stowed ourselves away in a serving family’s home, tucked away in the Blue Ridge.
With room to roam and beauty all around, we had group sessions and small groups that explored our identities and the wounds we allow to hold us down. Our last session was about beauty and purity. And this session yielded small group silence and many one on one conversations with leaders after the fact.
And one that I had made me laugh and it made me sad. I was talking with one of my girls who has one of the purest hearts I have ever encountered. So when she said, “I hope you aren’t offended…” I smiled at her and told her it takes a lot to offend me and also that I do not think she would ever be able to offend me. Then she told me that sometimes she feels sorry for me. That I am single.
I did laugh. “Nope, not offended,” I said. And then she continued. “You are always joyful and encouraging and genuine. But I do not know how you are content being single.”
Boom. There it was. My dear sweet girl, still in high school, already dealing with pressures of having a boyfriend and applying in her mind, ideals set by our [church] world.
We talked for the next ten minutes or so… passion rising in my heart. Thoughts unfolded and words were spoken and I found myself asking God to speak truth to her. I shared some of my past experiences in dating and how I have been blessed to know God to speak in a clear voice about who I am dating or crushing on, but also give me plenty of room to make my own decisions about men. I told her that dating right now is not even a temptation because of what He has called me to this next year. And I watched her eyes as she followed along but did not seem to think it was something she could do.
Already her identity is being shaped by the idea that there is something wrong with being single, or that there must be something wrong with her. And something wrong with me.
She talked about the idea that when you are content in the Lord, He will bring someone to you. And she seemed to suggest confusion at the idea that I am single because she knows me to be content. And by God's grace, I am.
And I told her how wrong that thought is. I know plenty of happily married people that are not content in the Lord. And just as we do not have to be ‘clean’ to a certain level to kneel at the cross, you do not have to have a certain level of contentment points for God to say, “Alright! You’re ready! Woo hoo. Here’s the love of your life, after Me of course.”
We continued the dialogue a few minutes more and I chuckled a few times at the innocence of the questions about how I could be so relaxed about it all – I’m 24, this is time for panic mode. But in a weekend when we focused on identity and breaking down walls in our hearts, I was pretty sad too. I can only pray that God used that conversation and the weekend to tell her that she is His beloved and that his timing is better. That her value is not in earthly marriage. No one’s is. Our value rests in the one who gives us life and life to the full.
