For the past three years, I have been blessed to see God moving up close and personal in a heart dear to my own. Sometimes it has been slow and tedious, bringing about a struggle in doubt, confusion and frustration. Sometimes moving with the force of a tidal wave, overflowing with grace and evidence of unending love. And while much of it is not my story to tell – it is a part of my story now. And a friend’s life, so intertwined with despair and redemption, bitterness and newfound joy, has also made a mark on mine. All because our Papa is good. He is true and near.
I have pages of prayers written for my dear friend. And prayers of my own because I would find myself on the mountaintop in worship, glory given for all that He was doing. And matching those praises were also prayers and tears of confusion and questions:
Why is this happening? Because I love you.
What do you want me to do? I don’t want you to DO anything. Simply trust me. Trust that I see you. Trust that I know.
Why do you want me to move out of the apartment? Because I love you. And I know the plans I have for you.
Why can’t I see you moving? I’m not moving in the ways you are looking for, but trust that I am here.
Why do I keep stepping in these same patterns, why do I continue to pick back up what you ask me to surrender to you? You forget that my sacrifice was final. And once. And that I have never asked you to do this alone.
For the past three years, I have known so many questions to move around in my thoughts and God lovingly responds and sometimes sarcastically points out that my faith is not big enough. But that He is. And He is not one to be confined.
About a month or so ago, my friend was facing a decision – much like the one she has been facing her whole life – to stay or change. And it brought to a head so many questions and thoughts that I had visited so many times before.
I shared some of my thoughts with a group of friends and family and was encouraged to share some of them here…
I cannot sing I Surrender All. Because somewhere, deep in my heart and mind, though it is being flushed out, You are not at work. Not doing what I ask. I can’t trust where I can’t see you working.
I miss You. I think I’ve got this all wrong.
She relies on me. And I cannot get her to see You, especially when I don’t see You. But as much as this is all real. And surfacing. I hear a whisper. Growing louder, louder still.
That I am not alone. That You move all around. That You’re here. Bigger than I know.
Found in no box. Bound by nothing.
And You love and are at work in my life. And that You get me and this time.
And that You do not ask me to take this as my own.
Clearly, in the waves of life, I continue to retreat to the safety of the shore, forgetting that God is the one moving the waters. And instead of releasing things to God as they are, I keep picking them up and trying to make them pretty before handing them up to Him. As if I have the power to change or restore. As if God will not accept them from the dust.
For the past three years, as my friend has literally battled, and God has placed me alongside her, I have battled in my own way. And I have grown from it. Even when I could not and still cannot understand how or why.
And a few weeks ago, while I was at work. I continually slipped into our locker room, seeking out some quiet to pray. Because while I did not know what to expect, I had hoped that God would use that night to heal and redeem. And I believed that He could.
Luke 24:21 – But we had hoped that he was the one to redeem Israel. [esv]
And He did.
Luke 24:31-34 – And their eyes were opened, and they recognized him. And he vanished from their sight. They said to each other, “Did not our hearts burn within us while he talked to us on the road, while he opened to us the Scriptures?” And they rose that same hour and returned to Jerusalem. And they found the eleven and those who were with them gathered together, saying, “The Lord has risen indeed, and has appeared to Simon!” [esv]
The prayers of the past three years were answered and began a process of new ones a few weeks ago. Freedom met my friend in a new way. And I was reminded that I serve a mighty God. One who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think.
Ephesians 3:20 – Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us. [esv]
