I went into Launch and the first week or so with fear. Fear of failure. Fear of stepping back into old habits and patterns. Particularly in leading a team.
I expressed this in many ways to different people. And I carried it into the start of this whole thing.
I have written about a few things that played into this before, but allow me to elaborate some.
God knows I have a stubborn heart. When He asked me to move out of an apartment and into a new one, I did it. Begrudgingly. And then I wallowed in this for a little while and shut Him out for a season.
My incredibly wise teammate, Audrey, nodded along as I told her about my habit and equated it with this spot on analogy: It is like when your parents ask you to do the dishes. You finally get around to doing them and then they ask you to take out the trash and pickup the house. And you are left standing there, holding the wash rag, indignant, irritated and sputtering about how you just did what they asked and now they want you to do something else.
Well, God did not just ask me to move out of the apartment.
He was asking me to trust Him. To seek Him in the transition and to depend on Him. And instead of doing this by stripping everything away from me, in a Job-like fashion, God gave me everything I could possibly need. I could do the day to day life with every need covered and without thinking about Him. And it was easier this way. But it was lifeless.
God challenged me to depend on Him when He had given me everything to be independent. Stubborn heart = tested. Enter a season of a desire for His heart over mine and an understanding of my utter need for Him.
At training camp, I was asked what I felt like God had been speaking to me about over the past year. Much of what He is doing in my life is showing me and gently speaking over me to let go of others burdens. To trust Him with them. To rely on Him and to seek Him.
It is rooted deep within me to care and have compassion. But to also have control and to find my value in how i make a difference in peoples lives. To seek others approval. All the while trying to fight this back knowing that my identity should not be found in these things, but in Christ.
Easier said than done in this world.
Knowing that this is something that I am being challenged in and that I want to change this, I almost had to laugh that once again. God knows my stubborn heart. Let go of others burdens. Trust Him with them. Rely on Him and seek Him.
And do this while team leading.
Lead while trying to let go of how I used to lead. How I thought I was supposed to lead.
Lead from a place of vulnerability. From a place of intimacy.
I expressed my fears. That I did not know what I was doing. That I had expectations for myself [that were impossible to live up to] and also an incredible amount of self-criticism. I had beautiful conversations with people that believe in me. And one night while my squad opened I shared my fears. And the process of letting go of past mistakes and fears continued.
Until I realized that already I am walking in a new way.
We had a leadership day last week. Basically the squad leaders, Poppy and Dan, and our squad mentor, Carly, sat with us in our backyard and let us vent, ask questions and talk about what the heck is going on here in Romania. Many people spoke of insecurity and fears of leading. And I realized, while sitting in the circle, I no longer was operating from under these things.
It was not a quick realization. But as I heard these humble and wise women and men speak out about their hearts, I fell into silent prayers. Prayers of them realizing the boldness, wisdom, joy and grace that they carry as they walk into deeper waters with our Father. Prayers of them recognizing that they are equipped and called to this. And God will be with them through it all, with grace covering mistakes that they will make and with the discernment to guide a team of other sons and daughters.
It was in praying these things I felt in my spirit Papa smiling at me. I am learning to walk, empowered by His spirit, into the things He has been calling my stubborn heart to for a long time.
And it has made all the difference this week. And hopefully will, for a very, very long time.
