Starting from the time you learn what your name is, clear through school, and into adulthood, most of us develop, and have a pretty good idea of who we are. But do we really? Why is it that when we reach certain points in our life, far to often we crumble into not just a mid life crisis, but a quarter life crisis? What we thought we wanted to do or be, no longer satisfies. I believe a big part of it is because we don’t realize who we truly are.
I always thought I knew who I was. I always thought I was looking at a clear reflection of myself. But really, it wasn’t clear at all. I’ve come to realize my perception of myself was like I was looking at myself in a mirror that was caked with layer upon layer of dust and dirt, that made it difficult to see my true reflection. Those layers have slowly built up over the years. Some of them formed from life experiences. Other layers, I unconsciously allowed to settle on me simply by not rebuking negative words spoken over and to me that the enemy knew how to take full advantage of. There is nothing the Devil would like more, than to keep you and I from knowing our true identity in Christ.
A year before I came on the World Race, I struggled with many lies that I had allowed to grow in my mind, and a few had taken root in my heart. One of the biggest, was my fear, and experience of rejection. This was closely knitted together with the lie that my quiet personality was something that was wrong with me. Each one sort of fed off the other. Many times growing up, I’d felt rejected as a result of the way God had actually created me to be. The devil likes to plant those little seeds of doubt, and shame, and just let our minds do the rest. For years, I’d grown up with people saying to me “Why are you so quiet?”, and I still continue to hear that question. It was always said in the same negatively inflected tone, as if to imply normal people aren’t like that. For years, it added layer on top of layer, until I started to ask myself if there really was something wrong with me. I had let that lie take root in my heart.
Beginning in Swaziland, I turned to face that dirty mirror. When I first looked into it, I felt a little lost, because I really couldn’t see myself at all. My first reaction was to judge the people around me, because I wasn’t sure what else to do. However, eventually, I started asking myself questions I thought I knew the answer to, but when I really thought about them, they weren’t so clear. Questions like is it possible to change my personality, should I, and what can I and can I not change about myself? That month God began to reveal to me his thoughts towards me in a deeper way than ever before. When you’ve allowed lies to take root in your heart, sometimes it just takes time to allow the truth that enters your mind first, to not only sink down into your heart, but to suffocate the lies out that are still rooted there. I believe God is able to do things instantly; but that is not always the best way. I believe he also wants to woo us with his love, and that takes time.
“Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her. There I will give her back her vineyards, and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope. There she will sing as in the days of her youth, as in the day she came up out of Egypt.”
~Hosea 2:14-15
