Is there anything keeping you from the breathtaking, exuberant chase of freedom in your relationship with God? Debrief in Phuket, Thailand started with this question from my new favorite book, Bandersnatch, by Erika Morrison.
My answer is fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of being too much, too crazy, or too radical, and fear of where my relationship with God might take me.
It’s the same fear that kept me from dropping out of college 5 years ago. The only difference now is that I’m getting better at saying yes. It even took a lot of practice for me to say yes and apply for this crazy adventure. I had plans, but He redirected me.
After 7 months on the race, following Jesus is still a daily choice, and I still have moments of hesitation about where He’ll lead me.
A part of me was hoping to kick my travel bug, cure my wanderlust, come home afterward, and try be a normal twenty-something, but that’s not how it works. I knew I’d never be the same and that’s why I am here. I wanted to create the space in my life for God to do whatever He wanted to do.
In the last 5 years, God’s been pruning me. Sometimes He would clip off little branches and sometimes it would feel like He was hacking down the whole tree to a stump. I was a mess, but He loved me so incredibly well. He never forced me into anything. I never felt pressured. He never shoved me into a box I wasn’t made to fill. He was patient. He knew my heart, and His was perfect timing.
One of my greatest fears about coming on The World Race was that I wouldn’t like the person I would become. What if I came home and didn’t fit back into my old life? What would I do? I definitely didn’t want to be one of the racers who go away for 11 months and end up living in another country indefinitely.
If I’m honest, though, I don’t want my old life back.
I am slowly becoming more and more of who He made me to be. He knows me. He knows what I deeply need and who I was created to be. When you see me in 4 months, don’t be surprised if I don’t fit gracefully back into my old life. If I’m honest, I’ll be horribly disappointed if I do. The last thing I want to do is slip back into my old life and habits and pretend like this year never happened.
I want to live now.
This is normal. Living now is saying yes to the Lord, waiting for His word, trusting His timing, and stepping boldly and confidently into whatever life brings. I’m honestly really excited to see who I become and I hope you are too.
