Trusting God is harder than seeking God.
During week one of the race, the physical discomforts of life in Mmanze didn’t phase me. I was restless because I sensed a vast emptiness. I felt overwhelmed by spiritual darkness. I was the only one who could sleep through the night, and we could walk down the street and sense we were not welcome there.
As I sought direction from God, He used a 13 year-old pastor to speak to me. We went to a secondary school church called Victory Church of Hope. When we got to the classroom they were worshipping in, I felt God’s presence for the first time in the village. The children praise the Lord like I’ve never seen before. They sang, danced, played drums, walked around, got on their knees, prayed, and cried out to God with all of their hearts. They were all in. Nothing else seems to matter in those moments besides them and God. It was incredible. These high schoolers displayed more joy than I’ve ever seen at church.
After the sermon, the pastor asked 5 people to stand up and share what they learned. If no one spoke up, we would start over and hear the message again! Their Sunday service is usually 3 hours, so I was relieved when students spoke up.
The phrase “Seek God AND trust Him” stuck with me that day and played over and over in my head all week.
Sunday afternoon, I laid out a fleece. I prayed for a unanimous stay or go as my team went on a prayer walk to seek God individually. Six people heard go. One person thought we should stay. It wasn’t the response I anticipated, so I kept praying.
The next day, we had an unanimous go.
I was excited to see God confirm something in community, but unfortunately, a unanimous go didn’t mean we could pack our bags and leave right away.
The week went on, and I had so many doubts. When we talked to our leaders, they asked us to wait it out. It was hard to trust God to make a way for us to leave. Sometimes I questioned if we heard Him correctly. I worried leaving would hurt the community. I wondered what the children might think if the first group of American missionaries left their village unexpectedly. If it was better for the community to stay, it seemed disobedient after hearing a unanimous go. I felt so conflicted by what God told us and what made sense to me in real time. Trusting God got hard.
James 1:5-8 says, “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.”
That verse was stuck in my head all day, and I needed it. Trusting God changed everything. In my doubts, I felt unstable like a wave tossed around by the wind. I was conflicted even though God answered me.
Praying through my doubts and choosing to trust God allowed me to rest again. When I trusted God to do what He said He would, I could prepare my heart to go even if we didn’t leave right away. I could take the next step whether or not I understood the big picture.
I still don’t understand God’s plans, but He’s given me peace. Somehow in His plan, leaving was the best thing we could do for the family and village. I might never know what will happen to them. I probably will never see them again, but God knows what He’s doing.
It’s not easy to leave, but I trust Him.
Love and miss y’all!
