Our last day of ministry is in one week, and today felt heavy. From the sounds of it at team time, my teammates feel the roller-coaster of emotions too.
For me, living with 13 Americans makes home seem even more foreign. Short-shorts look scandalous after living in India, and I don’t remember the last time I saw a blow dryer diffuser let alone used one. I barely know how to fit in with these people and haven’t even left Nicaragua yet. I’ve felt more judgmental in the last 6 days than any other time this year, and I don’t want to be that person when I’m home. I know they are great people with stories, problems, and things to share just like everyone else I’ve met around the world.
With going home, ready or not, I fly home in 17 days, and God’s revealing fears I didn’t know I had. One of my fears is the pressure to be a status quo American adult again. I don’t naturally keep up with schedules and life tasks. At home, I often forgot to eat. I slept through alarm clocks and fire alarms. I had a crazy sleep schedule. I struggled with anxiety and depression. I had shame cycles of staying up too late, oversleeping, and being late, and I don’t know if those problems will come back when I go home. God said I don’t have to go back to the lifestyle I had and way things were, but I don’t know life at home any other way yet.
Today I realized I’m worried I’ll falling back into depression or isolation. Home before the race involved a lot of loneliness and probably minor social anxiety. I felt out of place and alone preparing for something no one could relate to, but at the same time everyone was amazed and fascinated by the idea of 11 counties in 11 months. Even as an extrovert, the constant questions and conversations with acquaintances and strangers were overwhelming at times. The closer I got to launch, the more reluctant I was to go to church and get bombarded by questions. I just don’t want to start hiding to process this year and get stuck in a cycle of isolation. I know I won’t want to go back to church right away, but will I ever be ready? I don’t think I can hide out for a whole month, but sometimes I wish I could.
When asked what are you going to miss most about the Race, I want to say community, constant change, new people, inspiring stories, beautiful places, challenges, adventures, or wonders, but none of that feels accurate right now. I can find all of those things at home in America after the Race if I try.
Instead, I will miss the simplicity and priorities of the race. It’s nice to have a whole closet clothes at home, but it’s freeing to live with less excess. Our foods are simpler. Everything in general is cheaper. It’s socially acceptable to wear clothes that aren’t ironed and stain-free. Life around the world seems slower and simpler. As far as priorities, time and tasks are important, but people are usually more important here. People seem to sleep less, and they spend more time on things that matter and less time on things that don’t. I’ve had more time and space to be with the Lord, hang out with teammates, and be present with people than I have home where life gets so chaotic and busy. I have to give these beautiful things up to go home, but I can’t conceptually fit them into the life I know back home either. God keeps whispering, You don’t have to go back. I just don’t know where else to go.
Love you all and see you soon!
