I had a breakdown over a birthday card.
Yesterday I wrote a birthday card to my twin, Matthew, for the first time. I never thought to write one before because it was never his birthday. It was our birthday. We always celebrated our birthday together, so I never needed a card. Honestly, I’m not quite sure how to celebrate by myself either, but regardless a card seems silly. Matthew can’t read cards.
Matthew hasn’t been able to see since we were 3. He stopped talking when we were 9, and he’s been legally deaf since we were 12.
Writing words in a card got weird because I don’t know how to tell Matthew anything in words. He doesn’t use words. I talk to him, but Matthew hasn’t said a word to me in the last 15 years. Words don’t seem like the right way to communicate with him anymore.
This year I wish I could just be with Matthew. I wish I could just give him a hug or hold him or squeeze his hand to make sure he knows I still love him. That’s the hardest thing about being away. Everyone can call home or send emails, but I’m not sure if any of that makes sense for him. All I can do is pray Matthew knows he is deeply loved and ask my parents to give him a hug for me.
Since I’m one of three twins on my team, people usually ask, “Where is your twin?” When I explain Matthew is back home living with my parents, it leads to more questions. I explain Matthew’s eyes, ears, and legs don’t work like ours. He uses a wheelchair, so we ask take care of Him. The first time I told someone about Matthew in Africa, they said it was the work of Satan, asked if we’d prayed for him, and wondered why God hadn’t healed Matthew. I wonder the same thing ALL the time.
Why wouldn’t a good, loving God heal my brother?
This is one of my favorite stories:
In John 9:1-3, Jesus saw a man blind from birth, and the disciples asked Jesus, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?”
“Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him.
It’s hard for me to conceptualize this reality sometimes, but I believe it. Matthew points me to Jesus.
Jesus uses Matthew again and again to show me glimpses of Himself. He used Matthew to bring my parents to church, and sometimes I think Matthew is why our family needs Jesus. If I had a prefect, comfortable life, I wouldn’t need Jesus. If I could work hard enough to fix my problems and save myself, I wouldn’t need a Savior.
In a way, Matthew’s saved me. It would have taken me years to find Jesus on my own.
In Jesus I’ve found peace, hope, love, joy, and purpose, and those things are worth all of the problems in the world.
Living in temporary brokenness is so small when I think about forever, and I believe through Jesus, I get to live forever. In heaven, all things will be healed and restored. The blind will see. The deaf will hear, and Matthew will probably have LOTS of things to tell me.
As much as I want to hear Matthew say my name, or anything really, one more time, I know God shines through Him. I pray God heals him, but God is far more concerned with his glory and renown than my abilities to understand His ways. He wants me to know and trust Him more than He wants me to be happy and comfortable.
A good, loving God knows the absence of brokenness will never make me whole. Only Jesus can do that, and I always need more of Jesus.
Keep my team and squad in your prayers as we enter the holiday season. It still feels like summer here, but I’ve heard holidays are the hardest.
Love and miss you all!
