Today I told my best friend, The World Race is like being at a never ending dinner party.
I am constantly meeting new people. I am in a sea of unfamiliar faces, surrounded by people I have never met. I am learning new names, hearing stories, and trying to remember it all. It’s fun, but it’s a lot to take in everyday. There’s always so much going on all at once.
The hardest but most beautiful part of The World Race has been the people. Don’t get me wrong I love people. People are why I am here, but people aren’t simple or black-and-white. People have souls, emotions, expectations, and stories.
Many people are encouraging, inspiring, and loving, and their hospitality and generosity have taught me much about loving well. Some are exceedingly curious or excited about foreigners. Then there’re the countless strangers who want money, a picture, or an email address. I never know exactly what to expect.
Even the 6 beautiful people I live with are somewhat new to my life. When I met them in July, we were a team for less than a day before we parted ways. It’s crazy to think I’ve only known them since then.
At every dinner party, there’s usually someone you know, and if not, there’s food or a restroom. My momma always said, if you want to be alone, no one will bother you in the restroom. In Africa though, a restroom is usually the size of a bathroom stall with a squatie. No one wants to spend more time in there than necessary! Silent alone time is sacred here.
While I can occasionally confide in friends back home for pep talks, I find myself missing people who already know me. There’s a sense of rest when I’m with people who know and love me. I can let my guard down. I don’t have to explain myself. I can be a mess. There’s extra grace and love for my idiosyncrasies, but maybe that’s not the point.
The reality is, in ministry and in life, most of the people I encounter day-to-day won’t and don’t know me. Right or wrong, they may judge whatever they see in me. I won’t have opportunities to explain myself.
Especially in a foreign country, I can’t hide or blend in. I’m in a fish bowl. People stare at me and my team shamelessly all day long. Between language barriers and cultural differences, I never know exactly what they think of me.
It’s easy to feel like I’m always on stage and in character, but this isn’t a show. This is real life. Even if I tried, I can’t fake it. My teammates see it all. Unless my hope, peace, and joy are deeply rooted in Christ, I’m going to crack, and my true colors will shine through. Being anything but real is exhausting.
Heading into month 4, I am getting tried. Mostly emotionally, but spiritually as well. I’m tried of trying to hold it together. I’m tired of feeling unknown and unseen.
So, I want to be real. My life is my ministry, and sometimes it’s going to be a mess. Living in community will be hard, and sometimes meeting new people will be a struggle.
More than alone time or familiar faces though, I need way more Jesus. I need way more of Him to maintain my sanity and remember who I am. He knows me. He fights for me. I don’t have to hold it together for Him. I can be broken. I just need Him to fill my soul, day after day, so when I crack, pieces of His goodness and grace can flow out.
That’s my deepest desire.
